observation – Life Transformation and Discoveries

I’ve spent years now sucking up knowledge, first from books, then from the internet. I still can’t get enough of intelligent scientists, thinkers, authors and communicators who consistently enlighten me to things I’d otherwise never find out.

While there may not be answers to all life’s questions available to us, there’s now enough content in the world to get a really good grasp about current, optimal ideas: Best ways to improve confidence, health, a skill, or answer the questions of why an aspect of life or the universe is the way it is.

For those interested in improving their lot, which is most of us, the knowledge is now out there and easily accessible providing you spend a little time finding out where to look.

People are now smarter, or should I say, more informed than ever. I’m more informed. It’s great! However, people like my parents who aren’t interested in learning, those who also rely or lower quality info (e.g TV) to stay informed, or those who have skewed biases based on bad life experience are stuck. These people will always be limited in their breapth of knowledge.

So far as living thinkers / idea communicators goes; I’ve read books about certain scientific concepts from the likes of from David Doitch. Mindfulness from Ekhart Tolle. Ideas on philosophy from Sam Harris. Self optimization from Tim Ferris and Tony Robins to name a few. So despite all my new found knowledge, why do I still fail in many areas of my life?

This is the key question I battle with. Knowledge is interesting, satisfying, and can be immensely useful. However it seems one or two things are true:

I am not applying it to my life. or
I am not able to apply it.

I’m suck in habits. I’m set in my routine, so I need lots of reminders to do new things and why to do them. Even if I’ve read or learned about a thing several times already. I still need a supply knowledge, although now more as a prompt and reminder than to be enlightened. But when I am prompted, why do I resist utilizing the knowledge to make a change in my life? I often don’t apply these things because I have resistance, conflicts or face certain obstacles. Authors and talkers (especially those of the personal development variety) don’t take in to account.

For example:

Eatting healthy. I know I should be eating a balanced diet. I know what that looks like. I even know the best types of meats, vegetables, carbs and fats to consume, including the science behind why certain foods win over others! But I can only keep it up a diet for 2 or 3 days before I struggle. There are obstacles to deal with:

Taste: The taste often causes me to gag. Just the thought of certain foods (Salmon and Cauliflower in my case) makes me feel genuinely sick even though I know they are really good for me. It’s so boring to eat, it becomes stressful and you feel you’re missing out on life’s pleasures!

Purchasing Logistics: Buying fresh veg etc. is somewhat difficult as I don’t have any local grocery stores near me and so takes time out of my week to constantly shop for fresh produce. Time I don’t want to sacrifice.

Time Consuming: I find preparing food to be a boring and time consuming chore. Even eating a ton of veg is time consuming!

Cost: Healthy food is often really expensive- I can’t afford quality Tuna Steak and broccoli sprouts regularly. Plus I’d feel it’s wasteful to throw out my current pantry of food and replace with healthy.

Battle of Addiction: The craving for shitty food becomes distracting and overwhelming so can’t concentrate and puts me in a bad mood. Becomes difficult to stay on the wagon if eating out or occasions where you’re being cooked for. I don’t have enough positive things going on in my life to feel I can sacrifice the foods I enjoy or can tolerate.

I do well to make the compromises I do- to limit the amount of crisps, cake and ice cream. I’d eat that shit all day long if I couldn’t control myself at all. But still, my point is, from the starting position I’m coming from simply eating healthy is much, much easier said than done.

It’s not just diet I’m currently failing at. I’m 34 going on 35 and yet:

I still live at home with parents
I have no one in my life I can socialize with on my level
The one friend I am currently speaking to is the type others would describe as ‘toxic’ and should ditch
I’m extremely isolated. Half the week I don’t leave the house. When I do I don’t talk to anyone.
Always been a bit of a loner. I like being on my own to a degree, making it difficult to potentially start relationships with people
I’m not particularly likeable. Negative. Always want things on my terms
Socially anxious to the point of selective mutism in groups
I’m unlike most people, with unique interests, thoughts and ideas others often can’t relate to
I’ve no job, never really had a full time job for longer than 3 months.
Poor work ethic. Having never developed the habit of working hard consistently.
I’m unqualified to work nearly all ‘professional’ jobs
Stress sensitive causing bouts of extreme depression and anxiety if small bad things happen
Not super handsome. Physically average at best.
Constantly frustrated about all of the above. Also generally don’t enjoy life on the whole.

While it’s great to have the knowledge and wisdom of a 34 year old, I’m arguably in a worse position to set out on my journey to thrive in this world than an average guy entering his 20s. Even if I could somehow adopt all the new habits and lifestyle changes necessary to become more ‘whole’, I’d need to give up 90% of myself and current lifestyle which is a huge ask.

The guy described above in those bullet points is a guy who’s massively broken. To expect a quick fix or to simply adopt a new lifestyle or way of being is out of the question. You don’t go from being a guy who hates and fears social engagements to the point of them making him ill, to becoming someone who’s life and soul of the party, who’s charming, brimming with confidence, who comfortably deals with public speaking and meeting new people.

Therefore a unique strategy needs to be implemented in order to overcome life’s challenges and make the most of opportunities available. What will this strategy be?

I’ve identified 3 reasons why I hate group situations so much:

1. Feeling like others will judge you negatively if you speak

So you keep quiet. Maybe after 10 minutes of self talk, you pluck up the courage to say something, but because you aren’t part of the group’s conversational flow, it often kills the conversation dead and draws uncomfortable attention to you. Others might then want to avoid you speaking and disrupting their flow in the future by not give you chance to talk by asking you questions or looking in your direction for input. Also by not speaking, you aren’t asserting your dominance and people will be less respectful of you and your opinion even if you did decide to pipe up. Either not wanting to hear what you say or being dismissive, which would then cause you even more withdrawal. And if others feel you have adopted the conversational role of ‘listener’, they may either think you want them to be the ‘speakers’ so not giving you cue to talk or asking you questions.

2. Promotes self-hate from not meeting performance standards

I have this idea in my mind of being a cool guy. Someone with interesting or funny things to say, who can lead a conversation or at least participate in equally with others. When there’s this fear of being judged, it’s hard to talk in case you say someone that offends, hurts, irritates, or bores. The chances are that if you’re in a group of people, 1 or more probably will disagree or feel bored. However, I have this unreasonable expectation to please everyone and don’t know how. So I end up withdrawing. Rather than leading or participating in an enthralling conversation, I sit in the corner completely mute. I don’t say a single word for hours on end and I hate myself for it.

3. Boredom

Listening to other people’s conversations can occasionally, for a short time be interesting. But after 10 minutes, if I’m not experiencing any interaction, boredom kicks in. If I am in a group, it’s usually with people I don’t know very well. So they will talk about stuff I can’t relate to or aren’t interested in. Listening to mundane topics you don’t like, about people you don’t know or situations you haven’t experienced and don’t care about is excruciatingly boring. Unfortunately I don’t drink or do drugs, so can’t even use that as an escape as others might do.

I come away from most group chats feeling depressed and drained. It’s exhausting listening to others as intently as I do for hours on end and not getting a break by speaking or expressing myself. It reinforces my negative opinions of people; how I feel I don’t fit in or can’t perform. I’m annoyed at how I’ve wasted my time by being a spectator to other’s conversation that I couldn’t get anything out of, couldn’t participate in and couldn’t leave a positive impression. While I may not have looked like a complete dick-head, I am aware of the fact I added zero value to the group and now people have the opinion that I am quiet, don’t like talking, don’t contribute or can’t, am pretty boring or useless. This kills my self esteem, adds to feelings of worthlessness, making future group chats even more of a struggle. A perpetual downward cycle of trying, failing, being worse off.

Possible Solution

Don’t even bother with group meets unless you have a game plan and enough mental energy to implement it:

Focus on the goal of holding a conversation for even just 1 minute. Forget how you may be perceived, if you may look like a dick, if you might be boring. Chances are you won’t annoy, but even if you do, it doesn’t matter and you know from experience that no-one else will be giving a shit if they’re boring or annoying in conversation. Before attending, you know in you mind the only point of you being there is converse, for say, 1 minute and not allow the conversation to stop or be diverted away from you or your topic of discussion. It will be a life or death decision to assert, dominate or be equally in control for at least 1 minute. Any more is a bonus, but you will get that 1 minute of chat where you are constantly interacting, and making sure you are heard and listened to while speaking. You won’t fail because you agreed to the group meet, knowing before-hand that will have your game plan and enough energy to implement it.

The group meet is now an opportunity to complete your goal. Nothing else matters. How it might be, where it might be, who might be there and what might be said, or how you might look weird or awkward doesn’t matter because your only focus is your 1 minute conversational goal. And getting stuck in towards the beginning of the meet up is important to help complete the goal. It gets it out the way and shows everyone you are there to be listened to before you are assigned the ‘quiet listener’ role.

See how it goes. Perhaps next time you can assign yourself three 1 minute occasions during the meet where you will dictate the topic of conversation, speak about yourself or hold the conversation.

Tag Archives: observation

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