Tag Archives: identity

Working with what you’ve got

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I’ve spent years now sucking up knowledge, first from books, then from the internet. I still can’t get enough of intelligent scientists, thinkers, authors and communicators who consistently enlighten me to things I’d otherwise never find out.

While there may not be answers to all life’s questions available to us, there’s now enough content in the world to get a really good grasp about current, optimal ideas: Best ways to improve confidence, health, a skill, or answer the questions of why an aspect of life or the universe is the way it is.

For those interested in improving their lot, which is most of us, the knowledge is now out there and easily accessible providing you spend a little time finding out where to look.

People are now smarter, or should I say, more informed than ever. I’m more informed. It’s great! However, people like my parents who aren’t interested in learning, those who also rely or lower quality info (e.g TV) to stay informed, or those who have skewed biases based on bad life experience are stuck. These people will always be limited in their breapth of knowledge.

So far as living thinkers / idea communicators goes; I’ve read books about certain scientific concepts from the likes of from David Doitch. Mindfulness from Ekhart Tolle. Ideas on philosophy from Sam Harris. Self optimization from Tim Ferris and Tony Robins to name a few. So despite all my new found knowledge, why do I still fail in many areas of my life?

This is the key question I battle with. Knowledge is interesting, satisfying, and can be immensely useful. However it seems one or two things are true:

  1. I am not applying it to my life. or
  2. I am not able to apply it.

I’m suck in habits. I’m set in my routine, so I need lots of reminders to do new things and why to do them. Even if I’ve read or learned about a thing several times already. I still need a supply knowledge, although now more as a prompt and reminder than to be enlightened. But when I am prompted, why do I resist utilizing the knowledge to make a change in my life? I often don’t apply these things because I have resistance, conflicts or face certain obstacles. Authors and talkers (especially those of the personal development variety) don’t take in to account.

For example:

Eatting healthy. I know I should be eating a balanced diet. I know what that looks like. I even know the best types of meats, vegetables, carbs and fats to consume, including the science behind why certain foods win over others! But I can only keep it up a diet for 2 or 3 days before I struggle. There are obstacles to deal with:

Taste: The taste often causes me to gag. Just the thought of certain foods (Salmon and Cauliflower in my case) makes me feel genuinely sick even though I know they are really good for me. It’s so boring to eat, it becomes stressful and you feel you’re missing out on life’s pleasures!

Purchasing Logistics: Buying fresh veg etc. is somewhat difficult as I don’t have any local grocery stores near me and so takes time out of my week to constantly shop for fresh produce. Time I don’t want to sacrifice.

Time Consuming: I find preparing food to be a boring and time consuming chore. Even eating a ton of veg is time consuming!

Cost: Healthy food is often really expensive- I can’t afford quality Tuna Steak and broccoli sprouts regularly. Plus I’d feel it’s wasteful to throw out my current pantry of food and replace with healthy.

Battle of Addiction: The craving for shitty food becomes distracting and overwhelming so can’t concentrate and puts me in a bad mood. Becomes difficult to stay on the wagon if eating out or occasions where you’re being cooked for. I don’t have enough positive things going on in my life to feel I can sacrifice the foods I enjoy or can tolerate.

I do well to make the compromises I do- to limit the amount of crisps, cake and ice cream. I’d eat that shit all day long if I couldn’t control myself at all. But still, my point is, from the starting position I’m coming from simply eating healthy is much, much easier said than done.

It’s not just diet I’m currently failing at. I’m 34 going on 35 and yet:

  • I still live at home with parents
  • I have no one in my life I can socialize with on my level
  • The one friend I am currently speaking to is the type others would describe as ‘toxic’ and should ditch
  • I’m extremely isolated. Half the week I don’t leave the house. When I do I don’t talk to anyone.
  • Always been a bit of a loner. I like being on my own to a degree, making it difficult to potentially start relationships with people
  • I’m not particularly likeable. Negative. Always want things on my terms
  • Socially anxious to the point of selective mutism in groups
  • I’m unlike most people, with unique interests, thoughts and ideas others often can’t relate to
  • I’ve no job, never really had a full time job for longer than 3 months.
  • Poor work ethic. Having never developed the habit of working hard consistently.
  • I’m unqualified to work nearly all ‘professional’ jobs
  • Stress sensitive causing bouts of extreme depression and anxiety if small bad things happen
  • Not super handsome. Physically average at best.
  • Constantly frustrated about all of the above. Also generally don’t enjoy life on the whole.

While it’s great to have the knowledge and wisdom of a 34 year old, I’m arguably in a worse position to set out on my journey to thrive in this world than an average guy entering his 20s. Even if I could somehow adopt all the new habits and lifestyle changes necessary to become more ‘whole’, I’d need to give up 90% of myself and current lifestyle which is a huge ask.

The guy described above in those bullet points is a guy who’s massively broken. To expect a quick fix or to simply adopt a new lifestyle or way of being is out of the question. You don’t go from being a guy who hates and fears social engagements to the point of them making him ill, to becoming someone who’s life and soul of the party, who’s charming, brimming with confidence, who comfortably deals with public speaking and meeting new people.

Therefore a unique strategy needs to be implemented in order to overcome life’s challenges and make the most of opportunities available. What will this strategy be?

While I’m in a contemplative mood…

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Right now, I feel as though I have a brief window to self-analyse before distractions take over and force me back to a mental state of mindlessly reacting to whatever is at hand…

I started today waking up, then finishing reading ‘Waking up’ by Sam Harris. An interesting, thoughtful book worth a second run. It makes me once again re-think about consciousness and who am I.

As I understand it, I am my awareness / consciousness. I am also, or at least have become, the content of my life- Content (thoughts, memories, opinions, preferences and in other words, ego) which makes me unique and gives me identity. Although perhaps ownership of an identity / ego is not something worth nurturing or holding on to? And perhaps that is because the content in one’s life changes over time and lacks lasting significance? New experiences take place, new beliefs form and you never stay the same. You become a different person over time. Although not entirely different. Some early experiences will most likely remain indefinitely, while physical attributes, such as eye and skin colour will most definitely remain though out life…

It would seem that the content part of one’s life can often be a cause of misery and acts like meditation are said to provide relief from pain by detaching from the thoughts and ego by simply observing them. I also wonder if there is a way to actively shape one’s content, and so then alter beliefs, thought patters and the identity I’ve acquired? And is that even a goal worth pursuing?

I suppose many people already shape the content of their brains, for example, when they travel to a new place and experience a new way of life, temporarily abandoning their familiar routines / lifestyle and instead see the world differently. Is that why people like to travel? To actively broaden their horizons and give their brains new content to work with? I’ve always thought that it would be all good and well for me to replace my external environment for another, but I will surely still have the same filter in my brain which will only allow me to interpret much of my subjective experience in a negative way, whether I am at home, in a foreign country or living on the moon.

There is truth to the fact that I unknowingly cling to my established thought patterns wherever I go. I can’t escape them just be moving house or being in a different place. I’ve tried it. While the novelty of a new environment does bring about a temporary positive change in mood, it seems to gradually fade over a month or two after getting used to it. I don’t know how much of the positive effect of having re-located permanently remains? Perhaps some, or none, and the only solution might be to continually travel and experience new things or ideas before boredom or a negative outlook has time to catch up?

On a neuro-scientific level, I suspect that being in a new place and experiencing something new causes new synaptic pathways in the brain to form, effectively altering who you are. That is the goal. But to first let go of old, limiting self beliefs, and adopt positive new ones may not be as simple as throwing yourself into a new, unfamiliar situation. And even if it was, retaining the new outlook and not reverting back to the old once familiarity with the new setting kicks in would be a challenge. I’m sure in the future it will be possible to selectively and permanently alter parts of the brain in order to give someone a person a personality make-over. Both a scary and exciting possibility. If such is possible, it does make me then question who I am and what is the significance to any aspect of my identity?

This is interesting to think about and something that I feel everyone needs to consider to avoid simply existing, like an ant- just carrying out it’s genetically pre-programmed routine and being reactive to whatever appears in it’s path. I view most people like ants. I myself behave link an ant, but at least I have the insight to realize what I am.

While profound insights about one’s self are important, so is survival, and so is happiness. As a mere mortal human governed largely by human needs and instincts, I don’t feel I can neglect my external life. For my own physical and immediate mental well-being, I need to: work, form relationships and alliances, be part of society and increase my status within society or those around me by demonstrating or providing value, seek enjoyment.

In some ways I would be scared to throw out my identity. Although I struggle to fit in, I have discovered small pockets of people who appreciate my unique qualities and preferences. I’m concerned about the possibility of changing who I am to the point of abandoning these people and potentially making me even more obscure and less likable. I’ve found ways which help manage my unfortunate stress intolerance- while getting out of my routine sounds like it could be just what I need, could it make things worse and cause excessive or physiological and mental anguish? I’d have to start over from scratch- crafting a new life and having no affinity to anyone or any thing.

In the real world, I guess unless I suffer from retrograde amnesia, a part of my identity will most likely always remain, even if I make active efforts to change my life / the way I think. I wonder Is there is a way to selectively pick the parts of your identity to keep or discard? Maybe the idea is to just see and experience as much of everything as you can and your subconscious will work that out for you?