I’ve identified 3 reasons why I hate group situations so much:
1. Feeling like others will judge you negatively if you speak
So you keep quiet. Maybe after 10 minutes of self talk, you pluck up the courage to say something, but because you aren’t part of the group’s conversational flow, it often kills the conversation dead and draws uncomfortable attention to you. Others might then want to avoid you speaking and disrupting their flow in the future by not give you chance to talk by asking you questions or looking in your direction for input. Also by not speaking, you aren’t asserting your dominance and people will be less respectful of you and your opinion even if you did decide to pipe up. Either not wanting to hear what you say or being dismissive, which would then cause you even more withdrawal. And if others feel you have adopted the conversational role of ‘listener’, they may either think you want them to be the ‘speakers’ so not giving you cue to talk or asking you questions.
2. Promotes self-hate from not meeting performance standards
I have this idea in my mind of being a cool guy. Someone with interesting or funny things to say, who can lead a conversation or at least participate in equally with others. When there’s this fear of being judged, it’s hard to talk in case you say someone that offends, hurts, irritates, or bores. The chances are that if you’re in a group of people, 1 or more probably will disagree or feel bored. However, I have this unreasonable expectation to please everyone and don’t know how. So I end up withdrawing. Rather than leading or participating in an enthralling conversation, I sit in the corner completely mute. I don’t say a single word for hours on end and I hate myself for it.
3. Boredom
Listening to other people’s conversations can occasionally, for a short time be interesting. But after 10 minutes, if I’m not experiencing any interaction, boredom kicks in. If I am in a group, it’s usually with people I don’t know very well. So they will talk about stuff I can’t relate to or aren’t interested in. Listening to mundane topics you don’t like, about people you don’t know or situations you haven’t experienced and don’t care about is excruciatingly boring. Unfortunately I don’t drink or do drugs, so can’t even use that as an escape as others might do.
I come away from most group chats feeling depressed and drained. It’s exhausting listening to others as intently as I do for hours on end and not getting a break by speaking or expressing myself. It reinforces my negative opinions of people; how I feel I don’t fit in or can’t perform. I’m annoyed at how I’ve wasted my time by being a spectator to other’s conversation that I couldn’t get anything out of, couldn’t participate in and couldn’t leave a positive impression. While I may not have looked like a complete dick-head, I am aware of the fact I added zero value to the group and now people have the opinion that I am quiet, don’t like talking, don’t contribute or can’t, am pretty boring or useless. This kills my self esteem, adds to feelings of worthlessness, making future group chats even more of a struggle. A perpetual downward cycle of trying, failing, being worse off.
Possible Solution
Don’t even bother with group meets unless you have a game plan and enough mental energy to implement it:
Focus on the goal of holding a conversation for even just 1 minute. Forget how you may be perceived, if you may look like a dick, if you might be boring. Chances are you won’t annoy, but even if you do, it doesn’t matter and you know from experience that no-one else will be giving a shit if they’re boring or annoying in conversation. Before attending, you know in you mind the only point of you being there is converse, for say, 1 minute and not allow the conversation to stop or be diverted away from you or your topic of discussion. It will be a life or death decision to assert, dominate or be equally in control for at least 1 minute. Any more is a bonus, but you will get that 1 minute of chat where you are constantly interacting, and making sure you are heard and listened to while speaking. You won’t fail because you agreed to the group meet, knowing before-hand that will have your game plan and enough energy to implement it.
The group meet is now an opportunity to complete your goal. Nothing else matters. How it might be, where it might be, who might be there and what might be said, or how you might look weird or awkward doesn’t matter because your only focus is your 1 minute conversational goal. And getting stuck in towards the beginning of the meet up is important to help complete the goal. It gets it out the way and shows everyone you are there to be listened to before you are assigned the ‘quiet listener’ role.
See how it goes. Perhaps next time you can assign yourself three 1 minute occasions during the meet where you will dictate the topic of conversation, speak about yourself or hold the conversation.