unanswered questions – Life Transformation and Discoveries

Content consuming

Posted on May 4, 2015 by — No Comments ↓

There’s too much stuff on the internet! Too much stuff in the world! It blows my mind and makes me confused. It’s impossible for me to ‘learn the internet’ or consume the net in its entirety! But I kinda wish I could…

I want to consume content I’m interested in and that will benefit me. I like lot of things and for each thing I like there is a near endless supply of related content available. What do I do about that?

How to I feed my content addiction? And without spending every waking hour of my life trying to consume everything ever recorded on my topics of interest!

I need a filter. And how do I ensure I filter the best/most relevant content?

Google searching is a good start for certain content but also often inefficient. It seems to generate so much crap I have to wade through or deviate around before I can find genuine high quality content. I often give up before I even discover it.

What is the answer to the problem of content addiction?

Therapist Session #2

Posted on February 19, 2015 by — No Comments ↓

It seems like Phase One of any therapy is building rapport and trust with a client. Certainly, I’m going to be sceptical of any therapist if I can’t prove they are intelligent and competent. So I’m keeping an open mind, agreed to offload my thoughts, talk about my habits and insecurities and feel I got a decent level of understanding back.

The session ended with her summarizing me as a ‘validation seeker’ due to my explanations of being very orderly*, a perfectionist, trying to present myself well and wanting to be better than everyone else. Probably due to feeling invalidated growing up.. I thought- she’s hit the nail on the head with that one! And due to my temperament and higher sensitivity, I was always going to need more validation than I was getting.

Validation

Trying to impress or seek approval and respect from those around us is a natural human instinct. We’re social creatures who have always lived in groups and tribes and need acceptance to survive. It’s part of who we are.

Is validation bad? When is it bad?
When I think of people who need constant validation, I think of shallow bimbo types- they focus on and show of their exterior facade to gain attention at parties, with their friends, over Facebook or whatever. Shallow values annoy me, and I guess being like that isn’t healthy. I’m not like that…
Or to some extent, maybe I am? Perhaps I’ve just learned how to show off subtly because I don’t want a negative judgement and for people to think I’m a douche? I’m conscious of staying in shape, dressing well, driving a nice car, being clean and tidy, having nice things. I want people to notice, but I won’t make my efforts obvious and be all “hey, look at me!”

Rather than show off to my peers, I probably try to validate myself in private more than anything by comparing to others. I ask myself, Am I doing ok? Am I good enough?

Hmm… Not living up to the standards I set myself- Is that anything to do with the notion of validation?

Either way, I can’t see a positive outcome if I don’t stay in shape, if I’m not tidy, if I don’t try to push myself and reach difficult goals. I guess I’m torn between wanting to let go of the stresses of maintaining high standards, and at the same time retaining the benefits that come from having those standards.

I hope there is a solution to that dilemma. I hope the therapy might help with that, or at least for Phase two I’d like to put something new into practice and directly tackle some of my day to day struggles in a new way.

*[Being Orderly is more a positive trait to increase efficiency in one’s life. I don’t know if I am orderly as a means of seeking validation. I simply take pride in my ordering, categorizing and efficiency]

Status Update: 2013 to 2015

Posted on February 18, 2015 by — No Comments ↓

2013 and 2014 were pretty good years for me, and I think that’s why self-development took a back seat…

I completed one of my life goals– producing and writing a digital art tuition book. Huge sense of achievement and self-worth from that.

Having a decent girlfriend for a lot of that time helped a lot. Caused a lot of stress when we’d argue and weren’t getting our needs met, but on the whole I was happier having someone in my corner.

I tried canabis and mushrooms as a possible aid to the anxiety. Not sure if it’s any kind of solution and am still interested in further researching and exploring recreational drug use to help with my mental issues. This isn’t trying to get high and have fun. Instead it’s about controlled, regulated substance intake simply to improve my quality of life, while weighing up the pros and cons.

I was concerned that perhaps my ailments (stress, anxiety etc.) were due to some kind of cortisol imbalance (too much stress hormone). I had a blood test to measure salts and other abnormalities and all the results came back ok which is reassuring, but still can’t quite rule it out. It was frustrating that my doctor wouldn’t just put my mind at rest by specifically testing my cortisol levels.
I’ve learned that men perform best with high testosterone, low cortisol levels- making them assertive, motivated, and not stressy and aggressive.

… And I think I’ve generally come to some new understandings about the world, people, my life, my personality, problems and realities.

I’m undergoing a new development phase at the moment:

After re-reading over some of my old posts I realise how much self-development and certain profound realizations have helped me over the years. I’m an improved, more wise person and have made small noticeable changes for the better.

I’ve started 1-1 Therapy. From my experience over the last 15 years, therapists vary massively in terms of ability at delivering treatment, insight and the right tools to the right patients, and I’m hoping to eventually find someone who can help me progress beyond some of longer term barriers and thinking patterns I’ve held. I’m not expecting miracles- after having seen several therapists and counsellors in the past, I’ve come to the realization that they’re often no more intelligent or insightful than I am and have their own list of flaws and weaknesses.

I’ve started going to self-development/mental health meet ups and considering the big picture again and how I can improve my life. On Monday I met with a fellow Social Anxiety sufferer who seemed to be in a similar place to myself- trying to figure out life, his ailment and how to cope. On Tuesday a ‘Manage your mind’ workshop– essentially group meditation with a yoga breathing exercise. Something I’m partially sceptical about- Can 20 minutes of closing your eyes and breathing differently make a noticeable difference to one’s day? I guess I’ll try not to question it and simply trial it and see what happens.

2015:

I’m having a mix of good days and bad. I feel that underlying depression is always close by even on the good days, but today I’ve been ok. Tomorrow I may not.

Currently I don’t exactly know what I need to work on most or where I’m at. I feel I’ve made some small steps forward in various aspects of my life and some things I already had covered without needing to make any effort. I’m doing more which is great, but anxieties and my general outlook are still an issue. Should I try to:

Cultivate a sense of hope and set future goals?
Change and improve my daily routine?
Improve my physical health and lifestyle. Will physiological changes effect my mental state more than anything else?
Re-evaluate my priorities, perhaps work on becoming more giving and helping others to gain fulfilment within myself?
Correct my sleeping cycle?
Establish a better work ethic?
Find a drug/s, or supplement or even people that improve the quality of my life?
Learn to accept myself and ailments, and construct the best life I can around my shortcomings rather than struggle to change them?
Create new daily life habits by more conscious of things like: laughing more and making jokes, correcting body language, correcting breathing, helping and doing favours for people…

Lots to consider and think about.

Stress Sensitivity and getting in ‘State’

Posted on June 28, 2012 by — No Comments ↓

I had previously thought my personality and those similar to me could be described as “INTJs (see MBTI) with low ’emotional stability’ (see Global Big 5)”. However the term “Emotional Stability” doesn’t seem to fit. I feel as though I have my emotions in check and perhaps even better than a lot of ‘normal’ people. Instead I would consider that ‘Sensitivity to Stress‘ is a better lable and indicator when assessing my, or anyone else’s personality, amongst several other key factors.

Stress

The fact I often feel stuck, anxious and fearful of future and at times present situations, doesn’t seem typical of most people I observe in my day to day life and have recently made a conscious effort to compare and consider this. One very probable reason I suffer in my day to day life and one thing that holds me back despite a fair degree of intelligence and wealth of self help knowledge is high sensitivity to stress. Everyone gets a little nervous when meeting someone new, performing in activities, taking small risks or initiative at work, but for me this feeling seems to be amplified A LOT!

Having lived as me my whole life, it’s difficult to realize if I am over-reactivie to stimuli due to a form of stupidity, irrational thoughts, from possessing a weak character, OR, more likely, something completely out of my control. Although there’s no way to know for sure unless I could literally experience someone else’s existence, or perhaps have a brain scan and accompanied analysis. I am starting to realize that I don’t have the amount of success financially, in relationships, with my art and hobbies, or even sports I deserve and could be capable of, mostly due to FUCKING HUGE set backs totally out of my control!
I’m not trying to make excuses. I want to be objective. It’s not laziness, lack imagination or know-how which often hinders my progress to success and growth, but an ever present fear and elevated stress levels due to my largely uncontrollable physiology.

Being “In State”- at ease, positive mindset, chilled, relaxed, primed for optimistic thought:

Over the last few months I’ve noticed several short periods where I would feel different- the super intense stress and apprehension leaves me. I’m not thinking about my: future, performance, inadequateness and am just being ‘me’! I feel a degree of freedom, enjoyment and happiness I seldom recognise. Examples would be driving to see a friend in London with my favourite tunes playing in the car, wandering around a shopping mall on my own and trying on clothes, or initial worries of going somewhere unfamiliar melting away- when I’d go to a busy barbers to get a hair cut and also then stand outside with a drink watching unaware people go about their little lives while I wait to be seen. I imagine this may be how most ‘normal’ people I’ve observed live their lives constantly (or at least most of the time).

I would FUCKING LOVE to experience this care-free, excited, optimistic, can-do attitude and state of mind more often, but it really is a rarity and have been unable to find something consistently effective in putting me into such a state and especially if I’m in a negative thought spiral/loop.

So far I have discovered what I currently call “the fuel of hope”- it’s a short term influence which can get me into State or help me towards it. However, the influence loses it’s power the more it’s tapped into and like fuel, it’s eventually spent. Examples would be the first time I heard an inspiring Anthony Robins talk or a Real Social Dynamics lecture. Amazing music, art, movies and comedy can have a small impact also. Finding truly inspirational material or people isn’t easy, but I will always keep an eye out in the interim while I search for a way of developing a more permanent, deep-level positive and free State.

To summarize this post:

I believe I am more stress sensitive than the average man. Why? Can this be changed? Can I learn new ways to cope with my affliction? I don’t know the answers.

I have experienced a more care free, enjoyable state of mind in the past. I want to experience this more often and aim to relinquish many automatic worries and fears in time. Inspirational ‘fuel’ can do this, but perhaps there are other drastic ways to make lasting positive changes?