Category Archives: Thoughts

Working with what you’ve got

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I’ve spent years now sucking up knowledge, first from books, then from the internet. I still can’t get enough of intelligent scientists, thinkers, authors and communicators who consistently enlighten me to things I’d otherwise never find out.

While there may not be answers to all life’s questions available to us, there’s now enough content in the world to get a really good grasp about current, optimal ideas: Best ways to improve confidence, health, a skill, or answer the questions of why an aspect of life or the universe is the way it is.

For those interested in improving their lot, which is most of us, the knowledge is now out there and easily accessible providing you spend a little time finding out where to look.

People are now smarter, or should I say, more informed than ever. I’m more informed. It’s great! However, people like my parents who aren’t interested in learning, those who also rely or lower quality info (e.g TV) to stay informed, or those who have skewed biases based on bad life experience are stuck. These people will always be limited in their breapth of knowledge.

So far as living thinkers / idea communicators goes; I’ve read books about certain scientific concepts from the likes of from David Doitch. Mindfulness from Ekhart Tolle. Ideas on philosophy from Sam Harris. Self optimization from Tim Ferris and Tony Robins to name a few. So despite all my new found knowledge, why do I still fail in many areas of my life?

This is the key question I battle with. Knowledge is interesting, satisfying, and can be immensely useful. However it seems one or two things are true:

  1. I am not applying it to my life. or
  2. I am not able to apply it.

I’m suck in habits. I’m set in my routine, so I need lots of reminders to do new things and why to do them. Even if I’ve read or learned about a thing several times already. I still need a supply knowledge, although now more as a prompt and reminder than to be enlightened. But when I am prompted, why do I resist utilizing the knowledge to make a change in my life? I often don’t apply these things because I have resistance, conflicts or face certain obstacles. Authors and talkers (especially those of the personal development variety) don’t take in to account.

For example:

Eatting healthy. I know I should be eating a balanced diet. I know what that looks like. I even know the best types of meats, vegetables, carbs and fats to consume, including the science behind why certain foods win over others! But I can only keep it up a diet for 2 or 3 days before I struggle. There are obstacles to deal with:

Taste: The taste often causes me to gag. Just the thought of certain foods (Salmon and Cauliflower in my case) makes me feel genuinely sick even though I know they are really good for me. It’s so boring to eat, it becomes stressful and you feel you’re missing out on life’s pleasures!

Purchasing Logistics: Buying fresh veg etc. is somewhat difficult as I don’t have any local grocery stores near me and so takes time out of my week to constantly shop for fresh produce. Time I don’t want to sacrifice.

Time Consuming: I find preparing food to be a boring and time consuming chore. Even eating a ton of veg is time consuming!

Cost: Healthy food is often really expensive- I can’t afford quality Tuna Steak and broccoli sprouts regularly. Plus I’d feel it’s wasteful to throw out my current pantry of food and replace with healthy.

Battle of Addiction: The craving for shitty food becomes distracting and overwhelming so can’t concentrate and puts me in a bad mood. Becomes difficult to stay on the wagon if eating out or occasions where you’re being cooked for. I don’t have enough positive things going on in my life to feel I can sacrifice the foods I enjoy or can tolerate.

I do well to make the compromises I do- to limit the amount of crisps, cake and ice cream. I’d eat that shit all day long if I couldn’t control myself at all. But still, my point is, from the starting position I’m coming from simply eating healthy is much, much easier said than done.

It’s not just diet I’m currently failing at. I’m 34 going on 35 and yet:

  • I still live at home with parents
  • I have no one in my life I can socialize with on my level
  • The one friend I am currently speaking to is the type others would describe as ‘toxic’ and should ditch
  • I’m extremely isolated. Half the week I don’t leave the house. When I do I don’t talk to anyone.
  • Always been a bit of a loner. I like being on my own to a degree, making it difficult to potentially start relationships with people
  • I’m not particularly likeable. Negative. Always want things on my terms
  • Socially anxious to the point of selective mutism in groups
  • I’m unlike most people, with unique interests, thoughts and ideas others often can’t relate to
  • I’ve no job, never really had a full time job for longer than 3 months.
  • Poor work ethic. Having never developed the habit of working hard consistently.
  • I’m unqualified to work nearly all ‘professional’ jobs
  • Stress sensitive causing bouts of extreme depression and anxiety if small bad things happen
  • Not super handsome. Physically average at best.
  • Constantly frustrated about all of the above. Also generally don’t enjoy life on the whole.

While it’s great to have the knowledge and wisdom of a 34 year old, I’m arguably in a worse position to set out on my journey to thrive in this world than an average guy entering his 20s. Even if I could somehow adopt all the new habits and lifestyle changes necessary to become more ‘whole’, I’d need to give up 90% of myself and current lifestyle which is a huge ask.

The guy described above in those bullet points is a guy who’s massively broken. To expect a quick fix or to simply adopt a new lifestyle or way of being is out of the question. You don’t go from being a guy who hates and fears social engagements to the point of them making him ill, to becoming someone who’s life and soul of the party, who’s charming, brimming with confidence, who comfortably deals with public speaking and meeting new people.

Therefore a unique strategy needs to be implemented in order to overcome life’s challenges and make the most of opportunities available. What will this strategy be?

While I’m in a contemplative mood…

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Right now, I feel as though I have a brief window to self-analyse before distractions take over and force me back to a mental state of mindlessly reacting to whatever is at hand…

I started today waking up, then finishing reading ‘Waking up’ by Sam Harris. An interesting, thoughtful book worth a second run. It makes me once again re-think about consciousness and who am I.

As I understand it, I am my awareness / consciousness. I am also, or at least have become, the content of my life- Content (thoughts, memories, opinions, preferences and in other words, ego) which makes me unique and gives me identity. Although perhaps ownership of an identity / ego is not something worth nurturing or holding on to? And perhaps that is because the content in one’s life changes over time and lacks lasting significance? New experiences take place, new beliefs form and you never stay the same. You become a different person over time. Although not entirely different. Some early experiences will most likely remain indefinitely, while physical attributes, such as eye and skin colour will most definitely remain though out life…

It would seem that the content part of one’s life can often be a cause of misery and acts like meditation are said to provide relief from pain by detaching from the thoughts and ego by simply observing them. I also wonder if there is a way to actively shape one’s content, and so then alter beliefs, thought patters and the identity I’ve acquired? And is that even a goal worth pursuing?

I suppose many people already shape the content of their brains, for example, when they travel to a new place and experience a new way of life, temporarily abandoning their familiar routines / lifestyle and instead see the world differently. Is that why people like to travel? To actively broaden their horizons and give their brains new content to work with? I’ve always thought that it would be all good and well for me to replace my external environment for another, but I will surely still have the same filter in my brain which will only allow me to interpret much of my subjective experience in a negative way, whether I am at home, in a foreign country or living on the moon.

There is truth to the fact that I unknowingly cling to my established thought patterns wherever I go. I can’t escape them just be moving house or being in a different place. I’ve tried it. While the novelty of a new environment does bring about a temporary positive change in mood, it seems to gradually fade over a month or two after getting used to it. I don’t know how much of the positive effect of having re-located permanently remains? Perhaps some, or none, and the only solution might be to continually travel and experience new things or ideas before boredom or a negative outlook has time to catch up?

On a neuro-scientific level, I suspect that being in a new place and experiencing something new causes new synaptic pathways in the brain to form, effectively altering who you are. That is the goal. But to first let go of old, limiting self beliefs, and adopt positive new ones may not be as simple as throwing yourself into a new, unfamiliar situation. And even if it was, retaining the new outlook and not reverting back to the old once familiarity with the new setting kicks in would be a challenge. I’m sure in the future it will be possible to selectively and permanently alter parts of the brain in order to give someone a person a personality make-over. Both a scary and exciting possibility. If such is possible, it does make me then question who I am and what is the significance to any aspect of my identity?

This is interesting to think about and something that I feel everyone needs to consider to avoid simply existing, like an ant- just carrying out it’s genetically pre-programmed routine and being reactive to whatever appears in it’s path. I view most people like ants. I myself behave link an ant, but at least I have the insight to realize what I am.

While profound insights about one’s self are important, so is survival, and so is happiness. As a mere mortal human governed largely by human needs and instincts, I don’t feel I can neglect my external life. For my own physical and immediate mental well-being, I need to: work, form relationships and alliances, be part of society and increase my status within society or those around me by demonstrating or providing value, seek enjoyment.

In some ways I would be scared to throw out my identity. Although I struggle to fit in, I have discovered small pockets of people who appreciate my unique qualities and preferences. I’m concerned about the possibility of changing who I am to the point of abandoning these people and potentially making me even more obscure and less likable. I’ve found ways which help manage my unfortunate stress intolerance- while getting out of my routine sounds like it could be just what I need, could it make things worse and cause excessive or physiological and mental anguish? I’d have to start over from scratch- crafting a new life and having no affinity to anyone or any thing.

In the real world, I guess unless I suffer from retrograde amnesia, a part of my identity will most likely always remain, even if I make active efforts to change my life / the way I think. I wonder Is there is a way to selectively pick the parts of your identity to keep or discard? Maybe the idea is to just see and experience as much of everything as you can and your subconscious will work that out for you?

Creating a Personal, Private Time Line

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I’ve had the idea for 4 or 5 years to create a time line project– similar to Facebook’s time line by utilizing all the data I’ve accumulated about myself and my life over the years. It wouldn’t necessarily be a public article and not constructed off the back of Facebook’s selective data mining. It would effectively be an image of my life and existence to demonstrate to myself and potentially others how I’ve lived, what I’ve done, who I am.

I thought it was pretty coincidental that Microsoft are apparently now interested in developing an automated time line project.

The best solutions for creating a personalized timeline project I’ve found online are:

  1. Timeline by Knightlab
  2. Time Glider

Tiki Toki Seems perfect for my needs and looks great but requires a subscription to embed a timeline on a web page. $7.50 a month isn’t too bad, but over the course of the rest of my life time, keeping a timeline up is going to set me back over $5,000! Whereas a one-time fee of say $50 would be much more in line for a piece of software like this. In fact I discovered there is a Desktop version of the software for $24.99. The only trouble is, it doesn’t allow times lines to be displayed or exported to the web. Frustrating to find a perfect solution with totally unreasonable and affordable costs.

Dipity Seemed Ok at first glance until I realized a subscription was required to input over 150 Events. And like with Tiki Toki, you then have to pay extra to remove ads.

The aim would be to include:

  • Life Events: E.g: Certain birthdays with photos, Holiday with photo, video or links to image galleries
  • Achievements: E.g: Passing my Driving test along with a photo of my first car
  • Extracts and text from from Blog entries and Key documents
  • Music Collection: Dates I’d discovered favorite songs or artists + Audio
  • Day trips or other interesting things with links to photos galleries for these / or thumbnail galleries
  • Friendship markers: First becoming friends with X, Y or Z with links to photos of them over the years
  • My Art created
  • Jobs Started with examples of work created at jobs / thoughts about the job
  • Key Purchases: Including reviews, pics or links to product info
  • Maybe things like ‘Wrote first CV’- and a link to it, plus link to my latest CV?

I also want to include data such as:

  • The folders I have containing pics I like : Maybe link to Pinterest or Alternative hosted galleries?
  • List of things I’m a fan of with links to relevant articles and media.
  • Collection lists (games [Grouvee], movies [Flixster], anime with ratings) Perhaps using Collectorz (Although it’s Paid Desktop version or Online Subscription)
  • Funny things I’ve found
  • Links to related online content- social media and web sites (if timeline separate from my home page)
  • This would probably be separate from the Timeline but be part of an overall ‘My Life’ package.

Group situations: Social Anxiety

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Social-groupI’ve identified 3 reasons why I hate group situations so much:

1. Feeling like others will judge you negatively if you speak

So you keep quiet. Maybe after 10 minutes of self talk, you pluck up the courage to say something, but because you aren’t part of the group’s conversational flow, it often kills the conversation dead and draws uncomfortable attention to you. Others might then want to avoid you speaking and disrupting their flow in the future by not give you chance to talk by asking you questions or looking in your direction for input. Also by not speaking, you aren’t asserting your dominance and people will be less respectful of you and your opinion even if you did decide to pipe up. Either not wanting to hear what you say or being dismissive, which would then cause you even more withdrawal. And if others feel you have adopted the conversational role of ‘listener’, they may either think you want them to be the ‘speakers’ so not giving you cue to talk or asking you questions.

2. Promotes self-hate from not meeting performance standards

I have this idea in my mind of being a cool guy. Someone with interesting or funny things to say, who can lead a conversation or at least participate in equally with others. When there’s this fear of being judged, it’s hard to talk in case you say someone that offends, hurts, irritates, or bores. The chances are that if you’re in a group of people, 1 or more probably will disagree or feel bored. However, I have this unreasonable expectation to please everyone and don’t know how. So I end up withdrawing. Rather than leading or participating in an enthralling conversation, I sit in the corner completely mute. I don’t say a single word for hours on end and I hate myself for it.

3. Boredom

Listening to other people’s conversations can occasionally, for a short time be interesting. But after 10 minutes, if I’m not experiencing any interaction, boredom kicks in. If I am in a group, it’s usually with people I don’t know very well. So they will talk about stuff I can’t relate to or aren’t interested in. Listening to mundane topics you don’t like, about people you don’t know or situations you haven’t experienced and don’t care about is excruciatingly boring. Unfortunately I don’t drink or do drugs, so can’t even use that as an escape as others might do.

 

I come away from most group chats feeling depressed and drained. It’s exhausting listening to others as intently as I do for hours on end and not getting a break by speaking or expressing myself. It reinforces my negative opinions of people; how I feel I don’t fit in or can’t perform. I’m annoyed at how I’ve wasted my time by being a spectator to other’s conversation that I couldn’t get anything out of, couldn’t participate in and couldn’t leave a positive impression. While I may not have looked like a complete dick-head, I am aware of the fact I added zero value to the group and now people have the opinion that I am quiet, don’t like talking, don’t contribute or can’t, am pretty boring or useless. This kills my self esteem, adds to feelings of worthlessness, making future group chats even more of a struggle. A perpetual downward cycle of trying, failing, being worse off.

Possible Solution

Don’t even bother with group meets unless you have a game plan and enough mental energy to implement it:

Focus on the goal of holding a conversation for even just 1 minute. Forget how you may be perceived, if you may look like a dick, if you might be boring. Chances are you won’t annoy, but even if you do, it doesn’t matter and you know from experience that no-one else will be giving a shit if they’re boring or annoying in conversation. Before attending, you know in you mind the only point of you being there is converse, for say, 1 minute and not allow the conversation to stop or be diverted away from you or your topic of discussion. It will be a life or death decision to assert, dominate or be equally in control for at least 1 minute. Any more is a bonus, but you will get that 1 minute of chat where you are constantly interacting, and making sure you are heard and listened to while speaking. You won’t fail because you agreed to the group meet, knowing before-hand that will have your game plan and enough energy to implement it.

The group meet is now an opportunity to complete your goal. Nothing else matters. How it might be, where it might be, who might be there and what might be said, or how you might look weird or awkward doesn’t matter because your only focus is your 1 minute conversational goal. And getting stuck in towards the beginning of the meet up is important to help complete the goal. It gets it out the way and shows everyone you are there to be listened to before you are assigned the ‘quiet listener’ role.

See how it goes. Perhaps next time you can assign yourself three 1 minute occasions during the meet where you will dictate the topic of conversation, speak about yourself or hold the conversation.

Current Goals

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I’m basically achieving a lot of what I need right now:

  • Book Work
  • Gym/Exercise 2-3 times per week
  • Tattooing once a week
  • Social contact with a few friends throughout the week

It’s all day to day stuff. I’d like something else to aim for- an art exhibit or something? Feel inspired to create more art and try out some different styles etc