Category Archives: theory

Therapist Session #2

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therapy-signIt seems like Phase One of any therapy is building rapport and trust with a client. Certainly, I’m going to be sceptical of any therapist if I can’t prove they are intelligent and competent. So I’m keeping an open mind, agreed to offload my thoughts, talk about my habits and insecurities and feel I got a decent level of understanding back.

The session ended with her summarizing me as a ‘validation seeker’ due to my explanations of being very orderly*, a perfectionist, trying to present myself well and wanting to be better than everyone else. Probably due to feeling invalidated growing up.. I thought- she’s hit the nail on the head with that one! And due to my temperament and higher sensitivity, I was always going to need more validation than I was getting.

Validation

Trying to impress or seek approval and respect from those around us is a natural human instinct. We’re social creatures who have always lived in groups and tribes and need acceptance to survive. It’s part of who we are.

Is validation bad? When is it bad?
When I think of people who need constant validation, I think of shallow bimbo types- they focus on and show of their exterior facade to gain attention at parties, with their friends, over Facebook or whatever. Shallow values annoy me, and I guess being like that isn’t healthy. I’m not like that…
Or to some extent, maybe I am? Perhaps I’ve just learned how to show off subtly because I don’t want a negative judgement and for people to think I’m a douche? I’m conscious of staying in shape, dressing well, driving a nice car, being clean and tidy, having nice things. I want people to notice, but I won’t make my efforts obvious and be all “hey, look at me!”

Rather than show off to my peers, I probably try to validate myself in private more than anything by comparing to others. I ask myself, Am I doing ok? Am I good enough?

Hmm… Not living up to the standards I set myself- Is that anything to do with the notion of validation?

Either way, I can’t see a positive outcome if I don’t stay in shape, if I’m not tidy, if I don’t try to push myself and reach difficult goals. I guess I’m torn between wanting to let go of the stresses of maintaining high standards, and at the same time retaining the benefits that come from having those standards.

I hope there is a solution to that dilemma. I hope the therapy might help with that, or at least for Phase two I’d like to put something new into practice and directly tackle some of my day to day struggles in a new way.

*[Being Orderly is more a positive trait to increase efficiency in one’s life. I don’t know if I am orderly as a means of seeking validation. I simply take pride in my ordering, categorizing and efficiency]

Overcoming a Fear?

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roller coaster fear Today my friend and I discussed how overcoming a fear is more than just a case of facing it.

Using the roller coaster example: Certain rides scare the shit outta me! Not in a fun way, but in a genuine terrifying, unpleasant way. During a Theme Park visit a while back I’d attempted to face my fear of riding their most scary ride. I was anxious and fearful before I got onto AND during the ride. After the roller coaster came to a stop and I got off I felt REALLY proud of my achievement of facing a huge fear. Yet it was not something I felt I’d want to go on a second time straight after, nor several years later.

Sure, rides are supposed to be scary, but I want to be able to enjoy to thrills of the ride like everyone else. However the feelings of fear totally obscure the simultaneous positive emotion I feel I should be having. I’m still scared- Facing my fear obviously did not make me realize it wasn’t so bad after all like we’re all taught to expect.

People might say: “You’re simply just a wimp” or “you just don’t like scary rides, so live accept it”. But I don’t want to feel restricted by irrational fears! I know the ride is totally safe and I have nothing to worry about and until I am able to deal with a safe, fun activity in a “normal” way then I am not content.

Equally, I find it terrifying to approach strangers. A few months back I did pluck up the courage to chat to someone in a bar. It was scary as hell and not an enjoyable process, but I did it and once again felt proud of the accomplishment. A week later, I did the same thing- approached some girls in a bar for a chat and once again I had a ton of anxieties and fears before, during and after the encounter. Despite having tried approaches one week and then the next, I still feel as scared (or perhaps nearly) as I did before I’d even faced the fear!

WHY?!

Firstly perhaps getting over a fear by facing it only works if it generates a positive outcome. If the roller coaster proved to be less scary or equally thrilling and fun and if the girls I chatted to showed more interest and made me happy, then things might have worked out? I dunno.

Secondly I might have done a great job at pre-programming my mind to think something is scary that it has a placebo-type effect and becomes what I expect it to?

There is one theory we discussed which might solve the problem of fears not being conquered when faced. The idea was basically constant repetition within a short time frame. In theory this would be enough to desensitize you to the fears by creating a habit in a short time gap without space to re-establish old, fearful thought patterns.

So, for example: Go on the scary ride 5 or 6 times in a row, or approach 5 or 6 strangers a day EVERY day for a week. Hopefully this will then cement the idea that it really isn’t as bad as initially perceived. Cementing the idea with an intensive course of repetition is the key.

I don’t know if this would work, but would love to give it a go!

The only problem (and it is a HUGE problem) is that it takes massive amounts of courage in the first place to face one’s fears. And even more courage to re-face them once you’ve effectively proved to your brain that this really is as bad as you’ve imagined it might be. Once your brain has hard evidence that something is as bad as the mental image you’d initially projected, it takes a special kind of commitment to carry on and persevere despite this. It seems to me to be on par with considering putting one’s own life in risk!

[Side note: For more positive thinkers/mind-sets, recovering from failure is a lot easier as is a general positive interpretation about attempting any particular situation in the first place. Developing an ability to interpret in a positive way might be a more important step than attempting to grind it out as above?]

Possible breakthrough for delivering effective therapy

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self-understandingI ask myself how come I struggled to find a counsellor, therapist or mental health professional who could understand my problems and deliver an effective, lasting treatment which I felt really helped ME?

[First read about MBTI and Big 5]

I’m noticing the difference between happy INTJs and unhappy ones seems to come down to their Big 5 Emotional stability score. I believe the correlation between these results identifies a very specific sub group of individuals who will all experience very similar problems in life and I begin wondering if there is a specific method for helping these types of INTJs to feel happy and deal with problems? Psychology based therapy generally seems to use a “one size fits all” approach, and I’ve not heard of treatments which are determined and tailored by assessing a combined MBTI and Big 5 score. At this moment, I believe constructing a treatment model with this in mind could make a big difference in how effective therapy and help is to certain individuals.

Currently most therapists assess patients with mood rating tests and leave it at that. Sure- that shows how depressed or anxious someone is, or even filter out issues like compulsive behaviour, but they do not then seem to have a method for treating different personalities from the start, and instead attempt to use a universal rule for treating each patient, or try to figure out how that patient thinks over several sessions, which could be a waste of time and resources. Even after several sessions, that doesn’t mean a therapist would have figured out their patient’s personality, or even know what to do to specifically treat their personality type. I don’t have the answers for treatments for different types, or even my own, but I have learned that people with my personality type will not feel comfortable with someone who can not comprehend our way of thinking, seeing the world and communicating. I wonder if this contributes to why therapy is not always effective and perhaps such assessments could lay the ground work for generally delivering an improved and more efficient mental health service?

Basically- how about treating patients after first assessing their general personality type and using a specific structure of treatment for that type?

If only a psychology team in a hospital could research my idea further to check it’s valid, work out different therapy strategies for the different personality types and then trial this assessment method to see if it had a positive impact.

There may still be a universal rule which would effectively treat nearly all different personality types in one hit, but certainly such a therapy method does not seem to be recognised and used on a wide scale as far am I know. I was informed that a certain scientific test (I’m unable to cite a reference now) proved that a psychotherapist’s treatment is as effective OR LESS than a typical housewife with no experience in psychology and treating patients.

I’ll write more about Anthony Robbins later, but as an example, I believe if the NHS were to treat patients by investing in one his seminars filled with 1000 patients suffering with depression, mood problems, negativity etc, it would be more effective than a dozen individual therapy sessions for each patient. Something needs to change with the current mental health service BIG TIME, that’s for sure!