review – Life Transformation and Discoveries

Therapist Session #6 of 6

Posted on April 14, 2015 by — No Comments ↓

I’ve finally finished my six session NHS therapy.

3 sessions with one therapist- an older, intelligent lady who offered a few insights but ultimately became frustrated that I couldn’t/wouldn’t fit her CBT molds or models and was unable to relate to her diagrams of how I supposedly think.

3 sessions with another lady. She was nice and more focused on the idea of acceptance rather than change. Throwing the idea of mindful meditation into the mix as homework.

6 one hour long sessions were barely enough to touch the sides, but that’s all you get unless able and willing to go with private treatment. It proved to be a small help while it lasted- offering a forum to consider myself and my mind, but certainly not life changing. Fortunately I wasn’t relying on it helping too much and it met my low expectations.

One big problem I still have with conventional therapy / CBT are ‘Thought records’ like this one:

The idea is to record a negative thought process, state facts that justify the thought, facts that don’t, then re-evaluate the thought in a more balanced way. I used theme park rides as an example to fill this sheet out, but I get stuck. It doesn’t make sense to me. It almost feels like I’m being asked to disregard the evidence and first hand experience which generate my current thought processes and be able to invent opposing evidence. Perhaps I need help defining each column or reinterpreting what ‘facts’ mean?

Completing the sheet might be pointless anyway if I doesn’t actually help me make any lasting positive changes in my life.

I think if possible I need to find like-minded people to discuss my ideas, thoughts and feelings with and I’m sure they would prove to be as helpful as therapy, if not more so. Or at least more helpful than therapy I’m used to receiving.

Therapist Session #2

Posted on February 19, 2015 by — No Comments ↓

It seems like Phase One of any therapy is building rapport and trust with a client. Certainly, I’m going to be sceptical of any therapist if I can’t prove they are intelligent and competent. So I’m keeping an open mind, agreed to offload my thoughts, talk about my habits and insecurities and feel I got a decent level of understanding back.

The session ended with her summarizing me as a ‘validation seeker’ due to my explanations of being very orderly*, a perfectionist, trying to present myself well and wanting to be better than everyone else. Probably due to feeling invalidated growing up.. I thought- she’s hit the nail on the head with that one! And due to my temperament and higher sensitivity, I was always going to need more validation than I was getting.

Validation

Trying to impress or seek approval and respect from those around us is a natural human instinct. We’re social creatures who have always lived in groups and tribes and need acceptance to survive. It’s part of who we are.

Is validation bad? When is it bad?
When I think of people who need constant validation, I think of shallow bimbo types- they focus on and show of their exterior facade to gain attention at parties, with their friends, over Facebook or whatever. Shallow values annoy me, and I guess being like that isn’t healthy. I’m not like that…
Or to some extent, maybe I am? Perhaps I’ve just learned how to show off subtly because I don’t want a negative judgement and for people to think I’m a douche? I’m conscious of staying in shape, dressing well, driving a nice car, being clean and tidy, having nice things. I want people to notice, but I won’t make my efforts obvious and be all “hey, look at me!”

Rather than show off to my peers, I probably try to validate myself in private more than anything by comparing to others. I ask myself, Am I doing ok? Am I good enough?

Hmm… Not living up to the standards I set myself- Is that anything to do with the notion of validation?

Either way, I can’t see a positive outcome if I don’t stay in shape, if I’m not tidy, if I don’t try to push myself and reach difficult goals. I guess I’m torn between wanting to let go of the stresses of maintaining high standards, and at the same time retaining the benefits that come from having those standards.

I hope there is a solution to that dilemma. I hope the therapy might help with that, or at least for Phase two I’d like to put something new into practice and directly tackle some of my day to day struggles in a new way.

*[Being Orderly is more a positive trait to increase efficiency in one’s life. I don’t know if I am orderly as a means of seeking validation. I simply take pride in my ordering, categorizing and efficiency]

Metal Health Forum / Meet Up – Review

Posted on February 27, 2012 by — No Comments ↓

MHSUEP Stands for “Mental Health Service User Engagement Project”. Basically, it’s a local charity organization to help people with mental health problems. To quote from their website, their aim is:

“To collaboratively engage, empower and support people with mental health issues in Medway to build confidence and participation in the design and delivery of services, to have a voice and meet others in similar situations through the provision of various groups”

From what I can gather and to sum it up: the organization’s primary purpose is to facilitate a real-life bi-weekly forum whereby issues regarding local mental health services are discussed. The idea is to get feedback from people who have experienced local NHS health services so that these services can be improved. The organization’s secondary purpose is to provide occasional activities for mental health suffers to get them out the house, tackle isolation and be with like-minded people etc. These include ‘Art activities’ and a ‘Walk and talk’ session.

How does this relate to me?

I have had issues with depression, anxiety, been through the health system and hoped the MHSUEP would prove to be something I could be involved in, get me out the house and most of all, the chance to develop friendships without the need to bullshit about how happy and positive I am! I’m still at the early stages of my transformation, so while I’d love to just do the normal thing of striking up conversations at the gym or in clubs, I also don’t know if I’m ready for that. Or at least, meeting people this way takes a lot of pressure off.

Thoughts on the Forum:

It’s a semi-formal meet held every 2 weeks and lasts for one and a half hours. I’ve checked it out twice so far and it has definitely been worth attending. There’s an agenda and structure to each meet, which I love. Having topics to focus on and discuss, or listen to is so much better than a big free-for-all moan about our problems, like you might find in certain depression support groups for example.

The people there have one or two things in common with me although overall they are nothing like me! One thing we can typically all agree on is the inadequate way in which the health service is run! I’m not one to just bitch about it through ignorance, and I didn’t join up to complain nor try to make a difference! But it seems pretty clear how certain health services could be drastically improved yet haven’t been for no good reason, or there are huge gaps in care for patients which aren’t being provided. I’m not alone when I describe my experiences with the NHS or private treatment and therapy in general.

Typical example of an inadequacy: if someone is depressed to the point they seek help, the best case scenario for most people is 6-10 sessions of an hour a week CBT or counselling, then you’re left to fend for yourself whether you have recovered from the depression or not. Perhaps a small dose of therapy and maybe an antidepressant is enough to get the majority back on track..? I don’t know. What I have learned is that it’s not sufficient treatment for a lot of mental health sufferers, myself included. I appreciate money plays a big part in things and could discuss this issue in A LOT more detail, but suffice to say, when it comes down to it, sufferers of depression, anxiety and so on require long term support and such support is not being delivered or is difficult to find.

Regarding the other forum members: they all seem like nice enough people, but I don’t feel there is potential to build the kind of friendships I’d like. I just seem to live differently and have a different attitude to the other members. Perhaps I feel I’m above them as my standard of living and expectations of what I want from my life are higher? Perhaps my age and gender play a big part in my feelings of disconnection also?
I guess it’s not surprising that I can’t relate to, say, the more typical 45 year old female addict with 2 kids, work aspirations limited to her part time job as a cleaner and spends her free time reading celeb gossip magazines. I’m the complete opposite- A 29 year old single guy, no addictive behaviours, no kids, aspires to be a competent artist and designer who likes video games and philosophy!
[Hmm! My personality is an enigma even to myself as I just don’t seem to fit into any generic categories. I’ll cover that in future posts!]

Thoughts on the Art Activities:

It’s an informal meet held every week and lasts for one and a half hours. I’ve checked it out twice so far and it doesn’t offer me a great deal to be honest. I wanted an excuse to go somewhere new to chat, do some drawing, and be inspired but half the members I’ve met on these activity days don’t just have anxiety or depression issues, but a degree of learning difficulties too. Discussing quantum theory or philosophical, ethical debate isn’t something I can get stuck into when I’m sat next to a couple in their 50s slurping on cups of tea, farting, burping and failing to colour in between the lines of a children’s Disney colouring book! Lol. As someone who likes deep conversation and drawing to a near professional level, it’s a pretty funny contrast! Admittedly there are a few others who I could have a more regular conversation with although I don’t think it will be something I’ll want to attend on a regular basis if at all any more.

Thoughts on the Walk & Talk:

This was what I had originally enquired about when I joined the group, although I’ve yet to go on one of the walks. They’re on once a month so waiting for the next one to come around. Do I want to go on it already knowing the kind of people likely to attend? Hmm… not really. I’ll think about it.

Final Thoughts:

Its always a good thing to have these kinds of groups available to those who want to attend. It’s just a shame it doesn’t really cater for me personally- In an ideal world it would be a support group for single/lonely 18-40 year olds who are committed to transforming their lives and situation from a state of social anxiety and negative thoughts into social confidence and a positive attitude.
Instead, the current format mainly just gives it’s 40-50 year old (primarily) members some place to be for one and a half hours a week. That’s a start and better than nothing I guess. If I knew there was a need, I’d create my own support group!

Kudos to me for making the effort to check this thing out. It was a positive step in the right direction and you have to give these things a chance to know if they’re worth doing or not 🙂

In an indirect way I liked the fact I felt I was better than most of the members I’d met. I’m sure they all have their own talents and values, but I dressed better, I looked more attractive, I seemed more intelligent, more socially capable and considerate of other people. Yes, yes, it’s shallow and egoistical to think you’re ‘better’ than others and get pleasure from that kinda thing, but right now I don’t care. My self esteem is at a real low, so I am happy to boost it anyway I can, and perhaps later when I’m feeling more up to it, I can begin to find inner-peace and confidence without needing to stroke my ego by comparing myself to others worse off than me.

Ending CBT-style Therapy

Posted on February 15, 2012 by — No Comments ↓

For the last 4 months I had been seeing a therapist once a week to try to tackle my issues of negative thoughts, avoidance and fears. Yesterday was my last session after we both concluded that it was not making a significant impact on these aspects of my life.

That’s something like the 4th or 5th metal health worker I’ve seen in attempting to resolve some of my problems, so it’s really disappointing to have given it my all and had expectations for lasting change, yet nothing substantial came of the process. Especially as I was refereed to her by a big-name Psychiatrist I’d seen previously who had a lot of faith in her abilities.

The Format:

The first 3 or 4 sessions were pretty much for her to gather an understanding of my issues. I’ve got A LOT and it was clear that I’ve been dealing with long term depression and destructive habits for most of my life. Dealing with a case like myself is enough to test anyone I’m sure!

I did feel frustrated that after the 3rd and 4th sessions we were still discussing what’s wrong with me instead of taking positive actions to deal with it. Was this too much to ask? Before she met me, she had a chance to check out her referral notes about me and I helped by giving her a really well constructed and concise 2 page document about my life history, my problems and what it was I felt needed attention. To be honest, I hoped we’d be able to role with some solid, positive recovery strategies after the 1st or second session.

I did take the opportunity to say if I felt things were not going as I’d expected and if I was happy. She knew that she wasn’t the first person to attempt to tackle my issues so didn’t just want to go over the same ground, which was good. If I mentioned I wasn’t sure or was expecting more, she replied “it’s early days and it wont happen over night”. I know I can be quite impatient, so I let her have that one! I guess it makes some sense that if I’ve been living with a long term habit, I can’t just switch it off after a few hours of therapy (or can I?).

The next 10 or 11 sessions were pretty much a mix of listening to my issues and debating the validity of my negative thoughts. It turned out that she did end up going over a lot of the same stuff previous counsellors and therapists had :s This was particularly frustrating when covering certain strategies which I have no faith in or that do not resonate with me. For example:

“Let’s explore your childhood”
– let’s not! Not because I had a particularly bad one, but more that I don’t feel digging up the past is going to help me in the here and now. I felt that previous therapists had got me to do this so that I could dig up a painful memory, make me upset and they would feel they’re doing a good job to see me ‘release my emotions’.

In theory, that sounds reasonable. In reality, it makes the patient feel shit, then helpless as they can’t change their past, and then they leave the session with one extra negative thought in the front of their mind!
My latest therapist assured me this was important to gain understanding of myself and hoped that identifying when a habit may have formed, it would lessened the power my habits have over me. Or at least I think that was her main objective?
In theory, that sound reasonable. In reality, having the insight into my past, is interesting and that’s as far as it goes! Common sense tells us that we are a product of our experiences and I can’t see how this type of personal insight can even begin to change one’s long established habits or the way one interprets the world.
Maybe I missed the point? Maybe childhood regression techniques can help if one can then re-code a past memory or memories? If so, I wasn’t aware of any NLP style techniques we used to do this :s And even if I could re-code the first memory I had of a now destructive habit, I do not believe that would negate the 1000s of other times I had gone on to think in the same way as part of the habit, or offset the ‘evidence’ I’d acquired to support my negative beliefs and thoughts.

So to summarize the whole childhood thing, for me it’s a useless strategy. Perhaps unless it’s done properly and there’s more to it than just ‘let’s just look at your past’

“Thinking errors and counter statements”
– The idea is for one to recognise their irrational thoughts and to counteract with a positive, rational thought. This sounds great and is what CBT and most therapies I’ve tried are all about. However, there’s a couple of big flaws in this system, for me at least…

Usually this is done via crappy photocopied worksheets from self-help or psychology textbooks. If you’ve read books like ’10 days to self esteem’ by David Burns, you know the format. In one column you’re asked to think of a negative belief or thought that you regularly have- this is the easy part for most people! In the next column you’re asked write why the belief is considered ‘irrational’ or destructive- this is common sense for most people and so more an exercise in insulting the patient’s intelligence. Lastly the patient is asked to consider an opposing , positive thought for the belief or thought.
In theory this sounds like a perfect model for tackling thinking problems and would be if it worked, but it doesn’t for a number of reasons:

#1 Certain thoughts may be ‘irrational’ when compared outside the patient’s mind and if one has a different interpretation of the world from the patient. However, rationality is subjective and based on personal experience and knowledge. For example: if I write down “the world is a scary place”, such a statement is not irrational in my mind because that is my logical interpretation based on the real-world evidence I have gathered to support this belief! Granted, the evidence is subjective as is one’s interpretation of the world, but typically this exercise does not address this subjectivity issue. Instead, you’re asked to write down the common sense reply- what most people would consider irrational. So for “the world is a scary place” I might write, “it’s not all bad and most of the time bad things don’t happen”. This is true, and I know it is true! However I will still ultimately ignore this truth and instead put my trust in the equally true and more emotionally powerful evidence I’ve gathered to support my negative thought.

#2 It is vital for one to believe a positive counter statement. If I hate working out, but tell myself “I like working out”, it doesn’t change anything- they are just words and can’t counteract the well defined, negative experiences or attitudes I have towards working out. The last column makes the assumption that one is in a positive enough mindset to believe in a positive alternative. Sometimes I get really depressed and my brain becomes encased in a negative barrier. It’s crucial to get out of this state before attempting such a task. When I’m in negative mode, I realize the blinkers are on and I am unable to comprehend a positive alternative. So to write down an opposing statement would be of no practical use in the same way writing down “I believe the sky is green” makes it so.

Overall the experience lacked impact:

It all sounds dismissive and as though I’m not giving it a shot. That’s not the case! I really do try. I’ve tried these typical ‘challenge the negative thought’ exercises many times and they have no lasting impact, so I’m simply stating my reasons for why this is. I have some good ideas of how these strategies could be improved or replaced with completely new approaches, which I’ll save for another post. For now I’m pointing out that while my therapist seemed to have a tool-box full of tools for helping, she didn’t know how to use them properly. To expand the analogy- she might be successful hammering a nail into a piece of wood, but I’m like a concrete block so you need to either hit a lot harder or use a different tool and know how to use that tool effectively!

Instead, whenever I asked to discuss certain issues or work in a way she didn’t know how I’d get the typical bullshit lines: “we’ll look at that later” or “that’s something we need to work on” and then always never actually end up working on it! My friend remarked on how, according to a book about the Dalai Lama, therapists will use the “we’ll visit that next time” type of phrase when they basically want to shut you up or don’t have an answer. Not very encouraging!

I’m hoping to find a therapist or individual that can relate to these obvious therapy flaws and has been driven to formulate the practical, long-term strategies for change which prove to work time and time again- especially with the suborn, ‘concrete’ cases like myself. I feel the therapists I’ve seen so far are happy to learn the basic therapy framework at university, from courses or text books and apply it to patients, but don’t ask: “why isn’t this working?”, “how can I make this better”, “how can I communicate in a way that my patient can relate to” and so on. I guess it’s easier and more beneficial for the therapist’s sense of self worth to solve the easier cases and chalk the difficult ones up as unresolvable?

The Good:

She was a nice lady.
Reasonably smart and experienced.
It was great to offload some of my issues and have her take on what I’m doing and why
Seeing her was a positive step in the right direction and an excuse to leave the house.
She assisted me in discovering a little more about myself.

Conclusion:

It wasn’t a complete waste as I got some things out of the experience. However it’s very disappointing to feel I didn’t actually get what I came for! I question if I am indeed an unsolvable case as I put in a lot of effort to ‘solve’ myself, yet on a day-to-day basis I am often very worried about my current and future prospects, am easily stressed and in an appalling state of mind 75% of the time. However if I could improve the strategies therapists use on me and probably many others and that’s not even my job then perhaps there is a strategy that will be beneficial to me? There are people out there who I feel more confident in- I’ve become a fan of self help guru Anthony Robins recently and if I were to write a comparative case study between his thoughts and strategies and my recent therapist (I wont mention her name) there is no doubt he’d prove far more competent.

One thing I’ve always felt I need is:
1- motivation
2- an action plan that works for me
3-active support in adhering to my action plan

If someone was knocking on my bedroom door everyday to wake me up, threatened to pour water over me if I lay in and reward me with things to look forward to throughout the day if I get up, then I’m really confident I would finally resolve my sleeping in issue! I will try to do this by myself, but you know what it’s like- if you’ve got someone there who will interrupt your current lifestyle, someone to support you and act as a real-life threat, then it’s a totally different experience!