rant – Life Transformation and Discoveries

Ocean / Big 5 Personality Model – Old and New

Posted on March 12, 2018 by — No Comments ↓

Re-took the test 6 years later. Seems my personality has changed.

Openness to Experience/Intellect

High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
You are relatively open to new experiences.

(Your percentile: 65 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 72 on 10.3.18)

Conscientiousness

High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
You are well-organized, and are reliable.

(Your percentile: 74 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 76 on 10.3.18)

Extraversion

High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone.

(Your percentile: 12 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 6 on 10.3.18)

Agreeableness

High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
You find it easy to express irritation with others.

(Your percentile: 22 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 25 on 10.3.18)

Neuroticism

High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.
You tend to become anxious or nervous.

(Your percentile: 66 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 97 on 10.3.18)

Conclusion:

Seems pretty accurate, I’d agree I’m more curious, creative and and intelligent now than I was years ago. A good thing since your brain is supposed to start degrading after your prime years in your early 20s.

I was pretty introvert to begin with and am seemingly more so now. I guess because I’ve spent years getting used to being alone and perhaps growing comfortable with my own company. Perhaps because I worry more, and going out where there’s lots of people around is just too stressful to bother with so I’ve withdrawn some?

But the significant change is obviously the neuroticism. I thought it was bad before but this is just ridiculous! At the same time, it makes sense- I’m constantly depressed, describing myself as someone with ‘Atypical Depression’ (chronic Major depression) and someone who is extremely stress-sensitive. What sucks is, despite my efforts to change over the past 15 years, my personality has remained is pretty ridged, and I find myself in a world which is simply not designed around someone with my mental constituents. Why couldn’t I be more extrovert, more agreeable, less neurotic? Seems people like that get to breeze through life while I must struggle and suffer. It’s frustrating to say “for me life is harder than for everyone else” – sounds like I’m weak or making excuses for being lazy or not putting in effort, but that’s simply not the case. Every day is filled with as much effort as I can muster to better my situation. But there are limits on my effort, energy output and I only have so much time in the day. It also feels like I’m working with an extremely insufficient tool-set. Like a car mechanic that must make do with just a single set of spanners in order to fix an engine.

I would think, for most people, my outlook on life would be completely beyond their comprehension. I would ask them, imagine:

Finding very limited enjoyment in anything.
Feeling afraid to leave the house and deal with other people
Not being able to work a regular job, having to segregate yourself to your home for 90-95% of your existence
The work you do at home being massively stressful – putting you on the verge of tears every time you think about starting it or regularly feeling so frustrated with it that you want to throw your computer out the window, then have the ground swallow you up.
Feeling that despite giving it 110% effort, you’re able to earn only one fifth of your country’s the average annual salary therefore not cover living expenses.
Therefore knowing that normal things you crave, like living in your own home, progressing with relationships, having kids and raising a family is an impossibility.
Eating being a hardship- food mostly tasting like eating sand and cardboard
Having to sleep 9-10+ hours then feeling tired throughout the day
Exercise and working out feeling so exhausting and mentally painful that you often want to cry half way through a session.
Feeling insanely guilty that you’re not successful or doing enough despite your best efforts
Having few or no good friends you can rely on and feeling alone way too often- even if people are with you, they cannot understand how you feel.
Seeing no hope of things improving. Not having a clue how to improve things after having invested massive time and efforts to change things over the years.
Virtually nothing to look forward to in life.
Dealing with chronic back pain
Dealing with chronic eye pain which limits screen time/work time.
Dealing with constant chest infections
The constant looming presence of existential anxiety

Even if they could imagine, their response would probably be, “well, if I felt those things, this is what I would do…”. But this is the trouble- I am not them! If I was, I wouldn’t have ended up as I am! A part of me doesn’t was to admit defeat, but it seems this is it… This is my life and I have to just carry on dealing with it as best I can. Unfortunately I was dealt a shitty hand I just have to make the best of it.

Content consuming

Posted on May 4, 2015 by — No Comments ↓

There’s too much stuff on the internet! Too much stuff in the world! It blows my mind and makes me confused. It’s impossible for me to ‘learn the internet’ or consume the net in its entirety! But I kinda wish I could…

I want to consume content I’m interested in and that will benefit me. I like lot of things and for each thing I like there is a near endless supply of related content available. What do I do about that?

How to I feed my content addiction? And without spending every waking hour of my life trying to consume everything ever recorded on my topics of interest!

I need a filter. And how do I ensure I filter the best/most relevant content?

Google searching is a good start for certain content but also often inefficient. It seems to generate so much crap I have to wade through or deviate around before I can find genuine high quality content. I often give up before I even discover it.

What is the answer to the problem of content addiction?

Status Update: 2013 to 2015

Posted on February 18, 2015 by — No Comments ↓

2013 and 2014 were pretty good years for me, and I think that’s why self-development took a back seat…

I completed one of my life goals– producing and writing a digital art tuition book. Huge sense of achievement and self-worth from that.

Having a decent girlfriend for a lot of that time helped a lot. Caused a lot of stress when we’d argue and weren’t getting our needs met, but on the whole I was happier having someone in my corner.

I tried canabis and mushrooms as a possible aid to the anxiety. Not sure if it’s any kind of solution and am still interested in further researching and exploring recreational drug use to help with my mental issues. This isn’t trying to get high and have fun. Instead it’s about controlled, regulated substance intake simply to improve my quality of life, while weighing up the pros and cons.

I was concerned that perhaps my ailments (stress, anxiety etc.) were due to some kind of cortisol imbalance (too much stress hormone). I had a blood test to measure salts and other abnormalities and all the results came back ok which is reassuring, but still can’t quite rule it out. It was frustrating that my doctor wouldn’t just put my mind at rest by specifically testing my cortisol levels.
I’ve learned that men perform best with high testosterone, low cortisol levels- making them assertive, motivated, and not stressy and aggressive.

… And I think I’ve generally come to some new understandings about the world, people, my life, my personality, problems and realities.

I’m undergoing a new development phase at the moment:

After re-reading over some of my old posts I realise how much self-development and certain profound realizations have helped me over the years. I’m an improved, more wise person and have made small noticeable changes for the better.

I’ve started 1-1 Therapy. From my experience over the last 15 years, therapists vary massively in terms of ability at delivering treatment, insight and the right tools to the right patients, and I’m hoping to eventually find someone who can help me progress beyond some of longer term barriers and thinking patterns I’ve held. I’m not expecting miracles- after having seen several therapists and counsellors in the past, I’ve come to the realization that they’re often no more intelligent or insightful than I am and have their own list of flaws and weaknesses.

I’ve started going to self-development/mental health meet ups and considering the big picture again and how I can improve my life. On Monday I met with a fellow Social Anxiety sufferer who seemed to be in a similar place to myself- trying to figure out life, his ailment and how to cope. On Tuesday a ‘Manage your mind’ workshop– essentially group meditation with a yoga breathing exercise. Something I’m partially sceptical about- Can 20 minutes of closing your eyes and breathing differently make a noticeable difference to one’s day? I guess I’ll try not to question it and simply trial it and see what happens.

2015:

I’m having a mix of good days and bad. I feel that underlying depression is always close by even on the good days, but today I’ve been ok. Tomorrow I may not.

Currently I don’t exactly know what I need to work on most or where I’m at. I feel I’ve made some small steps forward in various aspects of my life and some things I already had covered without needing to make any effort. I’m doing more which is great, but anxieties and my general outlook are still an issue. Should I try to:

Cultivate a sense of hope and set future goals?
Change and improve my daily routine?
Improve my physical health and lifestyle. Will physiological changes effect my mental state more than anything else?
Re-evaluate my priorities, perhaps work on becoming more giving and helping others to gain fulfilment within myself?
Correct my sleeping cycle?
Establish a better work ethic?
Find a drug/s, or supplement or even people that improve the quality of my life?
Learn to accept myself and ailments, and construct the best life I can around my shortcomings rather than struggle to change them?
Create new daily life habits by more conscious of things like: laughing more and making jokes, correcting body language, correcting breathing, helping and doing favours for people…

Lots to consider and think about.

Making money

Posted on March 11, 2013 by — No Comments ↓

One part of my life I need to turn around is my career. Or lack of! My worrying question is this:

What do you do when you’re a 30 year old with no in-demand skills, a lack of confidence, little motivation and a resume consisting of just 3 or 4 irrelevant jobs over the last decade with each one mostly lasing no more than a matter of months?

It’s pretty true what they say about the 30 year milestone in one’s life = a time to reflect and assess. I am a fully qualified adult now! Or at least I should be. In reality I’m in the same financial situation I was after just leaving school. How the hell did this happen?

Being in employment has never been easy for me and I’m sure anyone who has a long history of anxiety, avpd, depression and so on can relate. I STILL don’t know if there is a job out there or some way of working I can do and feel comfortable with. My preferred option has been the idea of working for myself, being a freelancer and entrepreneur. I get to escape the constraints of working to someone else’s rules or working with people I hate BUT then I lack the self motivation and real world knowledge to make a success of things.

So far as going it alone, I have tried:

Spending several months creating a personal portfolio and promotional website for myself from the ground up. It’s allowed certain customers to find me, but now only generates a dozen or so hits per day and next to no substantial work. I don’t know how I can substantially promote it. With insufficient knowledge and resources I find myself spending weeks just to get a dozen or so crappy back-links in place.

Spending months promoting myself via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Deviant Art, Youtube, Blogger, Squidoo, Forums, Google adwords. I followed the advice I was given by creating decent content on these sites but couldn’t figure out why I would get next to no traffic to these sites, let alone be able to funnel that traffic to my personal portfolio and then convert into real money-earning business opportunities.

Entering several art and design competitions. I’d win or place in small $20 prize pool competitions, but it’s hardly worth entering if each takes an average 20 hours of work. For substantial competitions I realize my work is often just not near being good enough to place. There was one exception where I won a $5000 prize.

Selling stuff online. Over the course of 5 years on and off I made nearly $18,000 profit selling video games until the competition muscled me out business.

Creating two Zazzle Stores. One with 500 products, the other housing over 3000 products. I must have pumped like 500 hundreds of hours into this project, but so far it’s only generated $250 or so!

Creating a line of greetings cards and pitching these along with my own design services to over 50 card companies. Unfortunately with no success.

Asking over 30 illustration agencies to represent me / find me work. No takers

Asking several fine art galleries and art agents to represent me and my work. No takers

Taking art and design commissions via Devintart and Crowdsourcing sites like Freelancer.com. I got several very small jobs, but in the end they’d typically work out at like $2 an hour! Not enough to bother with.

Creating custom Tshirt designs for Designbyhumans. My submissions were not ranked high enough to be made, so no luck there.

Sent dozens of self promo letters out to potential online stores and businesses, but these generated no work or even replies!

Sent several letters to design agencies asking to work with them on a freelance basis, but these generated no work or even replies!

Spending 3 months on creating a high quality, professional 10 page mock-up art manual book for a book project and pitched it a Publisher I knew, but with no success.

Tattooing! I bought $2500 worth of equipment and tried teaching myself on and off over the course of 2 years. I earned enough to pay off the cost of equipment but could not get the hang of it enough to start charging anywhere near what a professional would. I spent weeks visiting and writing to over 40 tattoo shops in the area in an attempt to get an apprenticeship, but had no luck.

Attending several networking meetings to promote myself. I talked to people who couldn’t really find a use for my skills and ended up with no leads from this.

I found a semi-regular paying client! I freelanced for a company I was employed with for a short time as a web designer, they only helped to generate me $3000 of income over the course of 3 years.

Spending months applying for about 100 employed roles as a designer. A few interviews, but no job. Not sure I would want to work in that capacity anyway?

I give myself credit for making an effort despite my problems and no one else to help me. I had a few prestigious one-off freelance jobs. One with a very high profile client. It only lasted 3 days, but earned nearly $1000 a day! If only I could get that every day! And I worked with another client for 18 months which earned me around $70,000. I’m happy about this, but after 10 years I would have liked to have earned a fair $500,000 total, like many of my peers. The actual real figure is closer to $150,000. I’m now at a stage where I don’t have my own place and not even earning enough to run my car. I don’t know how to earn a decent wage. I’ve mostly worked for myself and relied on luck to get by, but I want more than to just exist while living with my parents. I’d like to be financially free to move out, support myself and a family one day. I’m 30 now and it’s about time I considered how I’m going to do this.

Why Most Self-help Books & Blog posts suck

Posted on August 21, 2012 by — No Comments ↓

I’ve read dozens of personal development and self help books. Probably close to 100 articles relating to personal growth for sites like Psychology Today. And then hundreds for forum posts, blog articles, magazine columns,videos and so on.

I love them! They can prove to be immensely insightful, interesting and sometimes inspirational. They can also be pretentious, stupid, pointless, confusing, re-hashed bullshit presented in a way which disguises it’s true nature (to some people). In fact 9 out of 10 articles I read on psychology sites are watered down, pointless rubbish which doesn’t really mean a lot in a practical sense. Also many self-help books and articles never address the problem they propose to be solving.

A typical example might be an article/book/video with the title “How to feel confident”
– I read that and think: “Wow, I want to feel confident!” so I check out the article… It then talks about how confident people act, the positive results one starts to gain once confident and why it’s no good to act in a way which makes you less confident. Sometimes at the end of such articles there are dozens of internet user replies talking about how thankful they are to have read the article or how they feel boosted and ready to become a more confident person. I’m thinking “Wait a minute! This didn’t actually explain “how” to feel confident. It just kinda skipped to the end objective and didn’t lay down the path one must follow with the relevant sign posts in order to achieve such a goal”. I expect practical methods of ‘unstifling’ one’s self, flipping to a positive mind-set or maybe daily tasks one could carry out to then progress to different levels of confidence? In the end, many articles just don’t have enough quality substance to them to make a lasting impact on my life.

Another thing that bugs me is how an article which leaves out detail. I’ll read about a psychological experiment which makes a conclusion without certain important variables taken into consideration. Or they may not have used a control group. Perhaps certain variables were taken into account and the article author just neglected to mention all the facts, but either way, without all the facts it makes such articles pretty useless to determine their validity.

If I were to ever write a “how to” article, I want to make sure I am as detailed and comprehensive as possible and that I actually answer the hard questions in a well thought-out, intelligent way! Those are the kinda things I wanna read about.

Metal Health Forum / Meet Up – Review

Posted on February 27, 2012 by — No Comments ↓

MHSUEP Stands for “Mental Health Service User Engagement Project”. Basically, it’s a local charity organization to help people with mental health problems. To quote from their website, their aim is:

“To collaboratively engage, empower and support people with mental health issues in Medway to build confidence and participation in the design and delivery of services, to have a voice and meet others in similar situations through the provision of various groups”

From what I can gather and to sum it up: the organization’s primary purpose is to facilitate a real-life bi-weekly forum whereby issues regarding local mental health services are discussed. The idea is to get feedback from people who have experienced local NHS health services so that these services can be improved. The organization’s secondary purpose is to provide occasional activities for mental health suffers to get them out the house, tackle isolation and be with like-minded people etc. These include ‘Art activities’ and a ‘Walk and talk’ session.

How does this relate to me?

I have had issues with depression, anxiety, been through the health system and hoped the MHSUEP would prove to be something I could be involved in, get me out the house and most of all, the chance to develop friendships without the need to bullshit about how happy and positive I am! I’m still at the early stages of my transformation, so while I’d love to just do the normal thing of striking up conversations at the gym or in clubs, I also don’t know if I’m ready for that. Or at least, meeting people this way takes a lot of pressure off.

Thoughts on the Forum:

It’s a semi-formal meet held every 2 weeks and lasts for one and a half hours. I’ve checked it out twice so far and it has definitely been worth attending. There’s an agenda and structure to each meet, which I love. Having topics to focus on and discuss, or listen to is so much better than a big free-for-all moan about our problems, like you might find in certain depression support groups for example.

The people there have one or two things in common with me although overall they are nothing like me! One thing we can typically all agree on is the inadequate way in which the health service is run! I’m not one to just bitch about it through ignorance, and I didn’t join up to complain nor try to make a difference! But it seems pretty clear how certain health services could be drastically improved yet haven’t been for no good reason, or there are huge gaps in care for patients which aren’t being provided. I’m not alone when I describe my experiences with the NHS or private treatment and therapy in general.

Typical example of an inadequacy: if someone is depressed to the point they seek help, the best case scenario for most people is 6-10 sessions of an hour a week CBT or counselling, then you’re left to fend for yourself whether you have recovered from the depression or not. Perhaps a small dose of therapy and maybe an antidepressant is enough to get the majority back on track..? I don’t know. What I have learned is that it’s not sufficient treatment for a lot of mental health sufferers, myself included. I appreciate money plays a big part in things and could discuss this issue in A LOT more detail, but suffice to say, when it comes down to it, sufferers of depression, anxiety and so on require long term support and such support is not being delivered or is difficult to find.

Regarding the other forum members: they all seem like nice enough people, but I don’t feel there is potential to build the kind of friendships I’d like. I just seem to live differently and have a different attitude to the other members. Perhaps I feel I’m above them as my standard of living and expectations of what I want from my life are higher? Perhaps my age and gender play a big part in my feelings of disconnection also?
I guess it’s not surprising that I can’t relate to, say, the more typical 45 year old female addict with 2 kids, work aspirations limited to her part time job as a cleaner and spends her free time reading celeb gossip magazines. I’m the complete opposite- A 29 year old single guy, no addictive behaviours, no kids, aspires to be a competent artist and designer who likes video games and philosophy!
[Hmm! My personality is an enigma even to myself as I just don’t seem to fit into any generic categories. I’ll cover that in future posts!]

Thoughts on the Art Activities:

It’s an informal meet held every week and lasts for one and a half hours. I’ve checked it out twice so far and it doesn’t offer me a great deal to be honest. I wanted an excuse to go somewhere new to chat, do some drawing, and be inspired but half the members I’ve met on these activity days don’t just have anxiety or depression issues, but a degree of learning difficulties too. Discussing quantum theory or philosophical, ethical debate isn’t something I can get stuck into when I’m sat next to a couple in their 50s slurping on cups of tea, farting, burping and failing to colour in between the lines of a children’s Disney colouring book! Lol. As someone who likes deep conversation and drawing to a near professional level, it’s a pretty funny contrast! Admittedly there are a few others who I could have a more regular conversation with although I don’t think it will be something I’ll want to attend on a regular basis if at all any more.

Thoughts on the Walk & Talk:

This was what I had originally enquired about when I joined the group, although I’ve yet to go on one of the walks. They’re on once a month so waiting for the next one to come around. Do I want to go on it already knowing the kind of people likely to attend? Hmm… not really. I’ll think about it.

Final Thoughts:

Its always a good thing to have these kinds of groups available to those who want to attend. It’s just a shame it doesn’t really cater for me personally- In an ideal world it would be a support group for single/lonely 18-40 year olds who are committed to transforming their lives and situation from a state of social anxiety and negative thoughts into social confidence and a positive attitude.
Instead, the current format mainly just gives it’s 40-50 year old (primarily) members some place to be for one and a half hours a week. That’s a start and better than nothing I guess. If I knew there was a need, I’d create my own support group!

Kudos to me for making the effort to check this thing out. It was a positive step in the right direction and you have to give these things a chance to know if they’re worth doing or not 🙂

In an indirect way I liked the fact I felt I was better than most of the members I’d met. I’m sure they all have their own talents and values, but I dressed better, I looked more attractive, I seemed more intelligent, more socially capable and considerate of other people. Yes, yes, it’s shallow and egoistical to think you’re ‘better’ than others and get pleasure from that kinda thing, but right now I don’t care. My self esteem is at a real low, so I am happy to boost it anyway I can, and perhaps later when I’m feeling more up to it, I can begin to find inner-peace and confidence without needing to stroke my ego by comparing myself to others worse off than me.

Ending CBT-style Therapy

Posted on February 15, 2012 by — No Comments ↓

For the last 4 months I had been seeing a therapist once a week to try to tackle my issues of negative thoughts, avoidance and fears. Yesterday was my last session after we both concluded that it was not making a significant impact on these aspects of my life.

That’s something like the 4th or 5th metal health worker I’ve seen in attempting to resolve some of my problems, so it’s really disappointing to have given it my all and had expectations for lasting change, yet nothing substantial came of the process. Especially as I was refereed to her by a big-name Psychiatrist I’d seen previously who had a lot of faith in her abilities.

The Format:

The first 3 or 4 sessions were pretty much for her to gather an understanding of my issues. I’ve got A LOT and it was clear that I’ve been dealing with long term depression and destructive habits for most of my life. Dealing with a case like myself is enough to test anyone I’m sure!

I did feel frustrated that after the 3rd and 4th sessions we were still discussing what’s wrong with me instead of taking positive actions to deal with it. Was this too much to ask? Before she met me, she had a chance to check out her referral notes about me and I helped by giving her a really well constructed and concise 2 page document about my life history, my problems and what it was I felt needed attention. To be honest, I hoped we’d be able to role with some solid, positive recovery strategies after the 1st or second session.

I did take the opportunity to say if I felt things were not going as I’d expected and if I was happy. She knew that she wasn’t the first person to attempt to tackle my issues so didn’t just want to go over the same ground, which was good. If I mentioned I wasn’t sure or was expecting more, she replied “it’s early days and it wont happen over night”. I know I can be quite impatient, so I let her have that one! I guess it makes some sense that if I’ve been living with a long term habit, I can’t just switch it off after a few hours of therapy (or can I?).

The next 10 or 11 sessions were pretty much a mix of listening to my issues and debating the validity of my negative thoughts. It turned out that she did end up going over a lot of the same stuff previous counsellors and therapists had :s This was particularly frustrating when covering certain strategies which I have no faith in or that do not resonate with me. For example:

“Let’s explore your childhood”
– let’s not! Not because I had a particularly bad one, but more that I don’t feel digging up the past is going to help me in the here and now. I felt that previous therapists had got me to do this so that I could dig up a painful memory, make me upset and they would feel they’re doing a good job to see me ‘release my emotions’.

In theory, that sounds reasonable. In reality, it makes the patient feel shit, then helpless as they can’t change their past, and then they leave the session with one extra negative thought in the front of their mind!
My latest therapist assured me this was important to gain understanding of myself and hoped that identifying when a habit may have formed, it would lessened the power my habits have over me. Or at least I think that was her main objective?
In theory, that sound reasonable. In reality, having the insight into my past, is interesting and that’s as far as it goes! Common sense tells us that we are a product of our experiences and I can’t see how this type of personal insight can even begin to change one’s long established habits or the way one interprets the world.
Maybe I missed the point? Maybe childhood regression techniques can help if one can then re-code a past memory or memories? If so, I wasn’t aware of any NLP style techniques we used to do this :s And even if I could re-code the first memory I had of a now destructive habit, I do not believe that would negate the 1000s of other times I had gone on to think in the same way as part of the habit, or offset the ‘evidence’ I’d acquired to support my negative beliefs and thoughts.

So to summarize the whole childhood thing, for me it’s a useless strategy. Perhaps unless it’s done properly and there’s more to it than just ‘let’s just look at your past’

“Thinking errors and counter statements”
– The idea is for one to recognise their irrational thoughts and to counteract with a positive, rational thought. This sounds great and is what CBT and most therapies I’ve tried are all about. However, there’s a couple of big flaws in this system, for me at least…

Usually this is done via crappy photocopied worksheets from self-help or psychology textbooks. If you’ve read books like ’10 days to self esteem’ by David Burns, you know the format. In one column you’re asked to think of a negative belief or thought that you regularly have- this is the easy part for most people! In the next column you’re asked write why the belief is considered ‘irrational’ or destructive- this is common sense for most people and so more an exercise in insulting the patient’s intelligence. Lastly the patient is asked to consider an opposing , positive thought for the belief or thought.
In theory this sounds like a perfect model for tackling thinking problems and would be if it worked, but it doesn’t for a number of reasons:

#1 Certain thoughts may be ‘irrational’ when compared outside the patient’s mind and if one has a different interpretation of the world from the patient. However, rationality is subjective and based on personal experience and knowledge. For example: if I write down “the world is a scary place”, such a statement is not irrational in my mind because that is my logical interpretation based on the real-world evidence I have gathered to support this belief! Granted, the evidence is subjective as is one’s interpretation of the world, but typically this exercise does not address this subjectivity issue. Instead, you’re asked to write down the common sense reply- what most people would consider irrational. So for “the world is a scary place” I might write, “it’s not all bad and most of the time bad things don’t happen”. This is true, and I know it is true! However I will still ultimately ignore this truth and instead put my trust in the equally true and more emotionally powerful evidence I’ve gathered to support my negative thought.

#2 It is vital for one to believe a positive counter statement. If I hate working out, but tell myself “I like working out”, it doesn’t change anything- they are just words and can’t counteract the well defined, negative experiences or attitudes I have towards working out. The last column makes the assumption that one is in a positive enough mindset to believe in a positive alternative. Sometimes I get really depressed and my brain becomes encased in a negative barrier. It’s crucial to get out of this state before attempting such a task. When I’m in negative mode, I realize the blinkers are on and I am unable to comprehend a positive alternative. So to write down an opposing statement would be of no practical use in the same way writing down “I believe the sky is green” makes it so.

Overall the experience lacked impact:

It all sounds dismissive and as though I’m not giving it a shot. That’s not the case! I really do try. I’ve tried these typical ‘challenge the negative thought’ exercises many times and they have no lasting impact, so I’m simply stating my reasons for why this is. I have some good ideas of how these strategies could be improved or replaced with completely new approaches, which I’ll save for another post. For now I’m pointing out that while my therapist seemed to have a tool-box full of tools for helping, she didn’t know how to use them properly. To expand the analogy- she might be successful hammering a nail into a piece of wood, but I’m like a concrete block so you need to either hit a lot harder or use a different tool and know how to use that tool effectively!

Instead, whenever I asked to discuss certain issues or work in a way she didn’t know how I’d get the typical bullshit lines: “we’ll look at that later” or “that’s something we need to work on” and then always never actually end up working on it! My friend remarked on how, according to a book about the Dalai Lama, therapists will use the “we’ll visit that next time” type of phrase when they basically want to shut you up or don’t have an answer. Not very encouraging!

I’m hoping to find a therapist or individual that can relate to these obvious therapy flaws and has been driven to formulate the practical, long-term strategies for change which prove to work time and time again- especially with the suborn, ‘concrete’ cases like myself. I feel the therapists I’ve seen so far are happy to learn the basic therapy framework at university, from courses or text books and apply it to patients, but don’t ask: “why isn’t this working?”, “how can I make this better”, “how can I communicate in a way that my patient can relate to” and so on. I guess it’s easier and more beneficial for the therapist’s sense of self worth to solve the easier cases and chalk the difficult ones up as unresolvable?

The Good:

She was a nice lady.
Reasonably smart and experienced.
It was great to offload some of my issues and have her take on what I’m doing and why
Seeing her was a positive step in the right direction and an excuse to leave the house.
She assisted me in discovering a little more about myself.

Conclusion:

It wasn’t a complete waste as I got some things out of the experience. However it’s very disappointing to feel I didn’t actually get what I came for! I question if I am indeed an unsolvable case as I put in a lot of effort to ‘solve’ myself, yet on a day-to-day basis I am often very worried about my current and future prospects, am easily stressed and in an appalling state of mind 75% of the time. However if I could improve the strategies therapists use on me and probably many others and that’s not even my job then perhaps there is a strategy that will be beneficial to me? There are people out there who I feel more confident in- I’ve become a fan of self help guru Anthony Robins recently and if I were to write a comparative case study between his thoughts and strategies and my recent therapist (I wont mention her name) there is no doubt he’d prove far more competent.

One thing I’ve always felt I need is:
1- motivation
2- an action plan that works for me
3-active support in adhering to my action plan

If someone was knocking on my bedroom door everyday to wake me up, threatened to pour water over me if I lay in and reward me with things to look forward to throughout the day if I get up, then I’m really confident I would finally resolve my sleeping in issue! I will try to do this by myself, but you know what it’s like- if you’ve got someone there who will interrupt your current lifestyle, someone to support you and act as a real-life threat, then it’s a totally different experience!

SLOAN/ Global 5 / Big 5 – RLOEI

Posted on December 17, 2011 by — No Comments ↓

Big Five Test Results:

Extroversion |||||| 26%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 68%
Emotional Stability |||||| 22%
Accommodation |||||| 24%
Inquisitiveness |||||||||||||||| 62%

The Big Five is currently the most accepted personality model in the scientific community. The Big Five emerged from the work of multiple independent scientists/researchers starting in the 1950s who using different techniques obtained similar results. Those results were that there are five distinct personality traits/dimensions. Here are your results on each dimension:

Extroversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun.

Emotional Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Accommodation results were low which suggests you are overly selfish, uncooperative, and difficult at the expense too often of the well being of others.

Inquisitiveness results were moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Your Global5/SLOAN type is RLOEI
Your Primary type is Limbic

Global 5: sloan RLOEI; sloan+ R|L|OEi; primary Limbic; R(74%)L(78%)O(68%)E(76%)I(62%)

“withdrawn, loner, moody, dislikes crowds, avoidant, not big on fun, socially unskilled, not that interested in others, overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings frequently, depressed, requires lots of time alone to recharge, socially awkward, hard to get to know, feels defective, averse to change, low self confidence, dislikes small talk, dislikes touchy feely types, private, not prone to complimenting others, driven by own personal gain, pessimistic, self absorbed, indifferent to the feelings of others, does not easily forgive, inflexible, skeptical, embarrassed easily, tense, lower energy level, attracted to things associated with sadness, very suspicious of others, does not believe in human goodness, interested in intellectual pursuits, does not put the welfare of others ahead of self, lonely, not known for generosity, unadventurous, doubting, quick to judge others, discontent, hard to understand, wounded at the core, believes in a logical answer for everything, worrying, uncooperative, agnostic/atheist tendencies, has anxiety, not physically affectionate with most people, feels second place is not good enough, frustrated when people don’t live up to expectations” – From SimilarMinds.com

Great! I sound like a barrel of fun!
Mind you all the other descriptions weren’t particularly positive. But like always, the positive extroverts came out top. Lucky SOBs!

Neuroticism and it’s effects on my life:

So I compared my results with those on the INTJ forum and while we all generally came out similar, there was one variable which fluctuated significantly- Emotional Stability. A reason I often find I can’t always relate to other INTJs, as well as being a little feely and quite perceiving is down to my negativity, neuroticism and anxiety!

It is, as I read, “the hidden injury”. I feel really upset when I think of just what I could have achieved if I was not plagued by a near constant feeling of worry. All these years of torture via constant unhappiness would have been gone. I would have been able to focus my time on productive things and have a social life rather than being put off by worries and fears. Who knows where I’d be with my life now? And I feel frustrated that I go through life without anyone knowing I have to live with a totally contaminated set of thoughts to most people, and even if they did know I’d get no sympathy or allowances. Perhaps that is why I can be so hard on other people- I have to live with depressive thoughts in my head EVERY DAY, so fuck you for wanting allowances for feeling under the weather, for breaking your arm, or for losing your leg!

How do I fix this? That is my mission.

Hearing Psychologists say their bit doesn’t help either!:

Daniel Nettle
High neuroticism scorers will always be vulnerable to negative thoughts and feelings. That they cannot change. However, there are techniques in which they can train themselves that seem to have quite a marked effect on how they deal with this vulnerability, which can make a great deal of difference to their being in the world

Timothy Pychyl:
While neurotics can learn to act out of character they can’t change their personalities.

That last statement sounds so true to me right now~ I’m went on a date today, acted relaxed, in control, assertive and pretty positive. Yet I felt none of those things on the inside. I told my date I don’t lie and this is me! It’s not. What I showed her was 25% me and 75% facade fabricated to not look like a complete loser, which is what I secretly am by most of society’s standards.

In some ways I’m not THAT bad- if I can go out and be 25% of the person I want to be, and at least I’m not in a psych hospital, or dead. When I’m engaged in something like a computer game or anime series I feel happy! It’s only after these things end that I have chance to reflect and worry that I’ve wasted my time or whatnot. But I don’t think I give myself enough credit. I have been SERIOUSLY ILL for a huge part of my life and have still soldiered on and even now I frantically search for an answer to my woes. I expect myself to not only be able to function and behave like normal people, but I expect to be considered better than most people, when perhaps I should be in a pysch hospital being looked after!