Category Archives: obstacles

What is the point? When life feels impossible.

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

talent

Not everyone is exceptional

It often seems like it’s excruciatingly difficult to achieve success. You just have to browse social media for 5 minutes to feel like most people are more popular, more attractive or more talented than you are. Not just by a small margin, but by an insane gap that feels impossible to bridge!

Of course, most people aren’t amazing. It’s easy to forget that the “popular” people on social media may be at the top after years of hard graft in improving themselves or attaining a skill worth celebrating. They’re just getting what they deserve from the work they’ve put in, and fair enough. Or it may be sheer luck- they created content, which, for whatever reason, went viral and now they’ve generated a huge following. Or perhaps they’ve just got enough money and resources to buy their way to the top. If such is the case, that doesn’t mean they’re better than you are, does it?

Take solace in the fact that many of us are just regular people who aren’t rich, famous, popular or particularly desirable. But to succeed, achieve things that are significant / worth while, and to be able to compete in the online space (offline too for that matter), you will need to up your game as much as you can. 

There’s a lot of obstacles to contend with

At the end of the day the internet has made it clear that no-matter what you try to get good at, there’s always people just a few swipes away who will make your hard efforts seem futile. Take something like drawing and illustration

. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are at least a few thousand prominent artists alive today who are producing work at an insanely high standard. There is virtually nothing you will ever be able to do to catch up to these people, unless perhaps you’re a child prodigy or you’ve got some extremely rare savant style talents.

Those artists will never struggle to find work, gain popularity or fame if they so wish. In fact, any artists in the top 20% of professional artists will no-doubt take 80% of the top jobs. Big jobs such as an advertisement illustration for, say, Apple, Coke-Cola, or BMW can pay hundreds of thousands of dollars. Then the kudos from being able to write ‘Apple’ as a client on their résumé, means they’ll more likely to continue receiving higher paid jobs from prestigious clients over the coming years too.
Those jobs will never be available to you. Inversely, you may practice your craft for decades and still struggle to pull in a commission from Joe Blogg’s bakery up the street. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not. Some people, for whatever reason, are destined to succeed at the very top level. The chances are, you won’t.

Normally some motivational speaker or personal development guru will amp you up, help you to believe anything is possible. Sometimes you need that just to get started. Or to at least help you be more productive than you would otherwise be. Although you will unlikely never reach the top if you are also the kind of person who needs to be externally motivated. Those at the top generate motivation from within. They love what they do any cant wait to do it every day of their lives. If that attitude and endless enthusiasm is coupled with raw talent, you have a winner.

So do you give up?

No. Giving up is not even an option. Maybe there’s a time in your life where stopping what you’re doing to change course can be a good idea. Other times, you keep going as best you can.

Sure, most people aren’t exceptional, but there’s enough competition out there already dominating many areas you might try succeed in. Or at least be competent at. You have to find a niche. Something specific which you can concentrate your efforts on which no one else is doing. To use the drawing example again; even if you suck at drawing, perhaps there’s a way to be the best damn stick figure artists there is! Seriously. If you’re the go-to artist for fun, funny or quirky stick figure art, you may even be able to achieve more than the next artist who spends hours every day attempting to figure out drawing anatomy or mastering perspective.

Find your niche and compromise.

And then you need to be cool with it. You have to admit to yourself and others that you tried your best and couldn’t cut it. You simply weren’t able to become technically proficient at drawing in the way you initially hoped for. But there’s no shame in that. Accepting your limitations might just be the one thing to help bring peace to your life.

It seems hard. Impossible. It’s not easy, but it’s not hopeless.

Ocean / Big 5 Personality Model – Old and New

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

Re-took the test 6 years later. Seems my personality has changed.

Openness to Experience/Intellect

High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
You are relatively open to new experiences.         

(Your percentile: 65 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 72 on 10.3.18)

Conscientiousness

High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
You are well-organized, and are reliable.

(Your percentile: 74 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 76 on 10.3.18)

Extraversion

High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone.

(Your percentile: 12 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 6 on 10.3.18)

Agreeableness

High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
You find it easy to express irritation with others.

(Your percentile: 22 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 25 on 10.3.18)

Neuroticism

High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.
You tend to become anxious or nervous.

(Your percentile: 66 on 2.4.12)
(Your percentile: 97 on 10.3.18)

Conclusion:

Seems pretty accurate, I’d agree I’m more curious, creative and and intelligent now than I was years ago. A good thing since your brain is supposed to start degrading after your prime years in your early 20s.

I was pretty introvert to begin with and am seemingly more so now. I guess because I’ve spent years getting used to being alone and perhaps growing comfortable with my own company. Perhaps because I worry more, and going out where there’s lots of people around is just too stressful to bother with so I’ve withdrawn some?

But the significant change is obviously the neuroticism. I thought it was bad before but this is just ridiculous! At the same time, it makes sense- I’m constantly depressed, describing myself as someone with ‘Atypical Depression’ (chronic Major depression) and someone who is extremely stress-sensitive. What sucks is, despite my efforts to change over the past 15 years, my personality has remained is pretty ridged, and I find myself in a world which is simply not designed around someone with my mental constituents. Why couldn’t I be more extrovert, more agreeable, less neurotic? Seems people like that get to breeze through life while I must struggle and suffer. It’s frustrating to say “for me life is harder than for everyone else” – sounds like I’m weak or making excuses for being lazy or not putting in effort, but that’s simply not the case. Every day is filled with as much effort as I can muster to better my situation. But there are limits on my effort, energy output and I only have so much time in the day. It also feels like I’m working with an extremely insufficient tool-set. Like a car mechanic that must make do with just a single set of spanners in order to fix an engine.

I would think, for most people, my outlook on life would be completely beyond their comprehension. I would ask them, imagine:

  • Finding very limited enjoyment in anything.
  • Feeling afraid to leave the house and deal with other people
  • Not being able to work a regular job, having to segregate yourself to your home for 90-95% of your existence
  • The work you do at home being massively stressful – putting you on the verge of tears every time you think about starting it or regularly feeling so frustrated with it that you want to throw your computer out the window, then have the ground swallow you up.
  • Feeling that despite giving it 110% effort, you’re able to earn only one fifth of your country’s the average annual salary therefore not cover living expenses.
  • Therefore knowing that normal things you crave, like living in your own home, progressing with relationships, having kids and raising a family is an impossibility.
  • Eating being a hardship- food mostly tasting like eating sand and cardboard
  • Having to sleep 9-10+ hours then feeling tired throughout the day
  • Exercise and working out feeling so exhausting and mentally painful that you often want to cry half way through a session.
  • Feeling insanely guilty that you’re not successful or doing enough despite your best efforts
  • Having few or no good friends you can rely on and feeling alone way too often- even if people are with you, they cannot understand how you feel.
  • Seeing no hope of things improving. Not having a clue how to improve things after having invested massive time and efforts to change things over the years.
  • Virtually nothing to look forward to in life.
  • Dealing with chronic back pain
  • Dealing with chronic eye pain which limits screen time/work time.
  • Dealing with constant chest infections
  • The constant looming presence of existential anxiety

Even if they could imagine, their response would probably be, “well, if I felt those things, this is what I would do…”. But this is the trouble- I am not them! If I was, I wouldn’t have ended up as I am! A part of me doesn’t was to admit defeat, but it seems this is it… This is my life and I have to just carry on dealing with it as best I can. Unfortunately I was dealt a shitty hand I just have to make the best of it.

Content consuming

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

todays-definition-of-online-contentThere’s too much stuff on the internet! Too much stuff in the world! It blows my mind and makes me confused. It’s impossible for me to ‘learn the internet’ or consume the net in its entirety! But I kinda wish I could…

I want to consume content I’m interested in and that will benefit me. I like lot of things and for each thing I like there is a near endless supply of related content available. What do I do about that?

How to I feed my content addiction? And without spending every waking hour of my life trying to consume everything ever recorded on my topics of interest!

I need a filter. And how do I ensure I filter the best/most relevant content?

Google searching is a good start for certain content but also often inefficient. It seems to generate so much crap I have to wade through or deviate around before I can find genuine high quality content. I often give up before I even discover it.

What is the answer to the problem of content addiction?

Thoughts about positivity and anxiety

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

mind puzzleI’d taken a lot of time out from my self development. Life got in the way and I got busy.

Today I sat down to watch a TV Documentary about personalities. It explained theories about why some people are more stressed and anxious than others and how anxiety levels can be changed through mindful meditation and conscious positive focus exercises.

It was another sound bit of proof which contributes to the whole “you get what you focus on in life” theory. Look for the positive and you’ll get it, look for the negative and you’ll get it.

I really want to be more positive and less anxious, but perhaps there’s some kinda reasoning going on in my head which makes me continue worrying about the potential negative rather than instead focusing on the possible positive outcomes. Perhaps subconsciously I don’t want to adjust my mindset?
I would guess my brain thinks that anxiety and negative thinking helps: prepare me better for negative outcome, lets me plan for future events better, the added pressure I give myself can motivate me to avoid potential bad scenarios, allows me to see a more balance view of reality, pushes me to keep standards as high as possible.

Perhaps I secretly fear I would lose the above benefits if I were to be a blind, fuzzy-headed optimist?

OR perhaps my sense of self is too wrapped up in the whole anxiety thing? Maybe leaving a part of myself behind would fuck with my ideas of who I am, my sense of self and leave me without a identity I recognize – This could be one of the biggest obstacles in tackling mental health issues or bad thinking habits or habits in general.

I’m conflicted. I keep fluctuating between valuing happiness as the ultimate goal and maintaining a realistic and balanced view of the world. Can a blind optimist be objective and realistic? Happiness on it’s own won’t put food on the table, prepare me for the future and allow me to survive in an uncertain world. Then again, perhaps being a happier person will be the catalyst for life changes that will allow me to gain more than ever before?

Perhaps when I am ready, I can begin mindful meditation and conscious positive focus exercises with the hope that it will lead me to a better existence?

The obstacles in fixing one’s life – Sleep issue

Posted on by — No Comments ↓

sleep-clockI often ask myself  “why is it apparently so much harder for me to do things than other people?”

It’s more than a dumb, biased feeling that everyone else manages to sail through life without problems. I don’t want to adopt a ‘Victim mindset’ and I don’t want to make excuses, but it would be dumb not to factor in genuine obstacles I need to deal with or come to terms with in my efforts to progress.

One thing I read up about again recently recently was Circadian rhythm disorders. There are 4 different types- two of which resonate with me:

  • Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS): This is a disorder of sleep timing. People with DSPS tend to fall asleep very late at night and have difficulty waking up in time for work, school, or social engagements.
  • Non 24-Hour Sleep Wake Disorder: This is a disorder in which an individual has a normal sleep pattern, but lives in a 25-hour day. Throughout time, the person’s sleep cycle will be affected by inconsistent insomnia that occurs at different times each night. People will sometimes fall asleep at a later time and wake up later, and sometimes fall asleep at an earlier time and wake up earlier.

According to one site I read:

How Are Circadian Rhythm Disorders Treated?

Circadian rhythm disorders are treated based on the kind of disorder diagnosed. The goal of treatment is to fit a person’s sleep pattern into a schedule that allows him or her to meet the demands of a desired lifestyle. Therapy usually combines proper sleep hygiene techniques and external stimulus therapy, such as bright light therapy or chronotherapy. Chronotherapy is a behavioral technique in which the bedtime is gradually and systematically adjusted until a desired bedtime is achieved. Bright light therapy is designed to reset a persons circadian rhythm to a desired pattern. When combined, these therapies may produce significant results in people with circadian rhythm disorders.

Chronotherapy is something I’ve naturally learned to do myself. I naturally seem to have a 25 hour day, so when I keep going to bed an hour later and getting up an hour later each night to the point where I’m sleeping at 8am and waking at 5pm, I know it’s time to do something about my current sleeping pattern! I commit to what I call “going around the clock”.  Basically it’s a case of trying to stay up later and later each day until bed time goes from 8am to 11am for day 2, to 3pm for day 3, to 6pm for day 4 and so on. It’s a gradual thing that takes at least a week to sort out. In the mean time going to a place of work, enjoying a social life or arranging day-time appointments is very difficult if not impossible. Not only is it very disruptive to day-to day living, but it’s hard work staying awake, and feeling happy when your body is crying out for sleep for 4 or 5 hours towards the end of each day!

I obviously suffer from the symptoms of a Carcadian Rhythm disorder. Perhaps if I can adopt a long term habit of sleeping and waking at the same time each day it’s something I can overcome completely?
– I would probably need a regular 9-5 job, or at least a solid work routine which I don’t deviate from unlike I have done for the last 10 years!

Until then, it’s something I need to deal with, factor into my life and hope other people around me can understand this condition. I fucking hate the thought of people thinking bad of me- that I’m lazy for feeling tired and unmotivated instead of offering understanding and sympathy.

I’ll add CRD to my list of ailments!