Category Archives: advice

What is the point? When life feels impossible.

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talent

Not everyone is exceptional

It often seems like it’s excruciatingly difficult to achieve success. You just have to browse social media for 5 minutes to feel like most people are more popular, more attractive or more talented than you are. Not just by a small margin, but by an insane gap that feels impossible to bridge!

Of course, most people aren’t amazing. It’s easy to forget that the “popular” people on social media may be at the top after years of hard graft in improving themselves or attaining a skill worth celebrating. They’re just getting what they deserve from the work they’ve put in, and fair enough. Or it may be sheer luck- they created content, which, for whatever reason, went viral and now they’ve generated a huge following. Or perhaps they’ve just got enough money and resources to buy their way to the top. If such is the case, that doesn’t mean they’re better than you are, does it?

Take solace in the fact that many of us are just regular people who aren’t rich, famous, popular or particularly desirable. But to succeed, achieve things that are significant / worth while, and to be able to compete in the online space (offline too for that matter), you will need to up your game as much as you can. 

There’s a lot of obstacles to contend with

At the end of the day the internet has made it clear that no-matter what you try to get good at, there’s always people just a few swipes away who will make your hard efforts seem futile. Take something like drawing and illustration

. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are at least a few thousand prominent artists alive today who are producing work at an insanely high standard. There is virtually nothing you will ever be able to do to catch up to these people, unless perhaps you’re a child prodigy or you’ve got some extremely rare savant style talents.

Those artists will never struggle to find work, gain popularity or fame if they so wish. In fact, any artists in the top 20% of professional artists will no-doubt take 80% of the top jobs. Big jobs such as an advertisement illustration for, say, Apple, Coke-Cola, or BMW can pay hundreds of thousands of dollars. Then the kudos from being able to write ‘Apple’ as a client on their résumé, means they’ll more likely to continue receiving higher paid jobs from prestigious clients over the coming years too.
Those jobs will never be available to you. Inversely, you may practice your craft for decades and still struggle to pull in a commission from Joe Blogg’s bakery up the street. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not. Some people, for whatever reason, are destined to succeed at the very top level. The chances are, you won’t.

Normally some motivational speaker or personal development guru will amp you up, help you to believe anything is possible. Sometimes you need that just to get started. Or to at least help you be more productive than you would otherwise be. Although you will unlikely never reach the top if you are also the kind of person who needs to be externally motivated. Those at the top generate motivation from within. They love what they do any cant wait to do it every day of their lives. If that attitude and endless enthusiasm is coupled with raw talent, you have a winner.

So do you give up?

No. Giving up is not even an option. Maybe there’s a time in your life where stopping what you’re doing to change course can be a good idea. Other times, you keep going as best you can.

Sure, most people aren’t exceptional, but there’s enough competition out there already dominating many areas you might try succeed in. Or at least be competent at. You have to find a niche. Something specific which you can concentrate your efforts on which no one else is doing. To use the drawing example again; even if you suck at drawing, perhaps there’s a way to be the best damn stick figure artists there is! Seriously. If you’re the go-to artist for fun, funny or quirky stick figure art, you may even be able to achieve more than the next artist who spends hours every day attempting to figure out drawing anatomy or mastering perspective.

Find your niche and compromise.

And then you need to be cool with it. You have to admit to yourself and others that you tried your best and couldn’t cut it. You simply weren’t able to become technically proficient at drawing in the way you initially hoped for. But there’s no shame in that. Accepting your limitations might just be the one thing to help bring peace to your life.

It seems hard. Impossible. It’s not easy, but it’s not hopeless.

Highly Sensitive Person: Traits

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22 empath traits that might suggest you are a HSP:

1. People point it out

You’ve been told all your life you are too sensitive, overly emotional, or wear your heart on your sleeve. People tell you that you pick up on cues or feelings they don’t even notice.

2. You feel other’s feelings

You’ve noticed how sensitive you are to the emotions of others. Even before they tell you how they are feeling, you already know. You can enter a room and have a sense of the general mood of the environment.

3. Negativity overwhelms you

Where others can tolerate raised voices, conflict, or anger, it sends you over the edge. You almost feel physically sick or in pain as a result of the negative energy around you. You crave peace and calm.

4. Being in crowded places overwhelms you

You don’t like being in malls, sporting events, airports or other public places with crowds of people. You feel suffocated and overly-excited. You can’t wait to leave.

5. Strong intuition

You seem to know things without being told. You sense what needs to be done or what’s about to happen. Your gut feelings nearly always prove to be correct.

6. Pain intolerance

More than others you know, you have a lower threshold for pain tolerance. You can’t stand getting shots, feeling nauseated, or dealing with a minor injury. You may even have had a doctor tell you to stop complaining so much.

7. You must have alone time

You need time every day with no sensory input. You want to withdraw to your room or another quiet place to recharge.

8. You avoid negative media images

You find it extremely disturbing to watch or read about tragic news events or see unpleasant images. It bothers you so much, you avoid looking at these images at all costs.

9. You can easily tell when someone is lying

All you need to do is look at their faces or listen to their tone of voice, and you know instantly whether or not they are telling the truth.

10. You are more sensitive to stimulants/medications

Caffeine in particular makes you more anxious and agitated than the average person. You can never drink caffeine in the evening if you want to sleep. You often have reactions or side effects to medications.

11. You often show up with the symptoms of those around you

If someone close to you is sick or depressed, you will develop the same ailments.

12. You frequently have lower back and digestive problems

These are the result of dealing with negative and stressful situations and people. Your feelings show up as these physical symptoms.

13. You are the dumping ground for the problems of others

People around you seem to gravitate toward you and unload all of their pain and problems on you. Because you are an empath, you feel compelled to help, even to your own detriment.

14. You often feel fatigued

Because others take so much from you, you often feel drained of energy and extremely tired. You might even have chronic fatigue syndrome.

15. You have a very vibrant inner life

You are highly creative, imaginative, and loving. You may be involved in the arts or other creative pursuits. You feel close to animals and especially enjoy your relationship with your pets.

16. You are sensitive to sounds and sensory feelings

Loud noises or sudden dramatic movements startle you. You also feel overwhelmed by bright lights, rough fabrics, and strong smells. You also notice very delicate smells, touch, and sounds.

17. You don’t like too many things at once

When you have to multi-task or have too much coming at you at once, you feel rattled and overwhelmed.

18. You manage your environment

You create your living and working environment to accommodate your sensitivities. You arrange your schedule and commitments to avoid unpleasant, chaotic, or overly stimulating situations.

19. You don’t like narcissists

You are particularly bothered by people who put themselves first all the time and aren’t sensitive to the feelings of others.  You may even believe there’s something wrong with you or that you have some kind of emotional disorder.

20. You can almost feel the days of the week

Each day of the week has a specific “feel” to it. You notice when a Wednesday feels like a Saturday. You feel particularly heavy at the start of the work week. Even months and seasons have a particular feel.

21. You are a great listener

People tell you this all the time. You listen consciously and know the right questions and comments to draw people out and make them feel heard.

22. You get bored easily

As an empath, you need to focus on work and activities that stimulate your creativity and passion. If you get bored, you resort to daydreaming, doodling, etc. However, you are still very conscientious and try hard to avoid making mistakes

For me, I can totally relate to nearly all of these. 4 outta 5 people will never understand me. I am pissed off because I don’t want to be like this..! But I am, I’ve been like this all my life. No one chooses their genetics. All you can do is play out the hand you’ve been dealt to the best of your ability… And that is what I am doing. My concern now is how I can adapt my life to accommodate my traits. Use my traits to my advantage and succeed in life.

Happiness Article- Remembering to Savour

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Happy_DaysThis was emailed to me, so posting it for future reference!…

——————-
There is this puzzle in most Western (and some Eastern) societies
that is really confusing. See if you can figure it out – we’ll use the
United States as an example.

40 years ago…

The average house was 1000 sq feet, now it’s 2422 sq feet
A McDonald’s cheeseburger cost 30 min of wages, now it costs 3 min
There was 1 car for every 2 households, now there are 2 for every 1 household
Life expectancy has since gone up by an average of 8 years
GDP has since tripled or gone up 8.9 trillion dollars
So we live in bigger homes, make more money, and have longer lives.
If that is the case, how can we explain that in the last 40 years:

The divorce rate has doubled
Teen suicide has tripled
Recorded violent crime has quadrupled
And Depression has increased 10x – that’s right ten times.
If things are getting better, why are people getting worse? There isn’t a
one line answer to this paradox, but I’m going to offer a two part theory:
(1) We have been focusing on the wrong things to make us happy; and
(2) When something is wrong (anxiety, panic, depression) we only practice
reducing the negative feelings – we ignore increasing the positive.

Guess what? Happiness doesn’t come from just reducing negative feelings.
In other words, if everything “bad” in your life were wiped away, you would
not automatically be incredibly happy. To live a joyous, fulfilled, and
meaningful life, you need to practice positivity. Yes, happiness takes practice.

One simple practice you can start with is called savoring. If you rush around
all day long from the moment you get up to the moment you hit the pillow, you
are probably not taking time to savor. Slow down and savor the good stuff.
Savoring has been scientifically researched to increase your well-being. Try
the exercise below.

Exercise: According to researcher, Fred Bryant, there are 4 effective
ways to savor:

Basking: Receiving praise and congratulations
Thanksgiving: Experiencing and expressing gratitude
Marveling: Losing yourself in the wonder of the experience
Luxuriating: Engaging in the senses fully

My request of you is that you pick one of these 4 techniques and sit
down to savor right now. Sit down for 5 minutes (if you’re busy,
even 2 minutes will do). Think about one pleasant thing that happened
today (smell, touch, sight, sound, experience) and close your eyes and
enjoy it. Reminisce about what you loved about it.

As humans we are great at doing and moving and pushing through to
the next goal; but we need to also focus on enjoying, savoring, and
just “being”. Remember, happiness takes practice, so make it part of
your day.

Love & Light,

Amelie Chance
Certified Coach of Positive Psychology
——————-

Note: Not to sound cynical and I appreciate the advice but I wonder who certified her? Herself?

Hmm, the art of savouring. It sounds good in theory, but takes effort and a mindset to want to feel good and in the mood to appreciate the good. This is something I’m not naturally comfortable with. I’ll try to savour things more often though if I remember!

Winning the Shame Game

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thumbs-upKill shame-inducing situations before they become a threat, advises David Allyn, Ph.D., a Harvard-trained social scientist and visiting scholar at Columbia University’s Institute for Social and Economic Research and Policy. His book, I Can’t Believe I Just Did That, includes a few pointers:

  • Be on time. Punctuality creates self-discipline and impresses both others and yourself. It’s a healthy habit that keeps you calm about the clock.
  • Stick to the facts. You’re bound to get caught lying, so why bother? Lies just set you up with unnecessary opportunities to feel ashamed.
  • Cut the gossip. Comments made behind your back sting, and don’t forget how you feel about those who talked about you. Focus on deep, meaningful talk where every conversation can be a chance to realize a dream or accomplish an aim.
  • Keep your word. It feels good to be considered reliable, so honor your word no matter what the reasons are for disregarding them. Remember, a promise is a promise.

I do all these already. I could work on punctuality, but other than that, I do well to avoid shameful situations by being my natural considerate self 😀 Glad to have a few things I don’t need to work on for once!

Stop giving a shit what other people think!!!

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quoteThe goal:

Do not give a damn what anyone thinks about you

The obstacle: 

Feeling automatically scrutinized and self esteem feels under threat whenever out in public

The solution: 

Get out of your head

How:

This is the tough part- how can I not think about myself? How can I stop an automatic habit of needing to be conscious of how I’m projecting myself? Can I stop scanning for evidence to support fears that I am a useless, pathetic person, ugly, worthless (or not)? Can I not worry that I will hurt people by saying the wrong thing or make myself look stupid and valueless?

Idea #1
Find a new way to channel my mental energies. Instead of concentrating on how I am being/acting/coming across and what I’m thinking, really think hard about what I want and what I can do or say to make my experience of any given situation and life in general more enjoyable or productive.

Idea #2
Ditch fears. Remind myself that doing whatever I do, (even if it means walking around naked or saying what’s on my mind) will not kill me! As long as I’m not rude, offensive or hurting anyone, it is unlikely that something bad will happy and NO ONE has the right to criticise. If they do, then realize that they are effectively saying “I’m an idiot scum bag and I’m going to make you feel bad to make myself feel good”- How ridiculous it would be for me to value the wrong, uneducated opinion of a scum bag stranger over intelligent, genuine people who aren’t criticising arse holes!

Training myself out of this ‘in my own head’ habit will take A LOT of work if indeed it is possible.

Sex Tips from Rock Stars

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sexy rock starIn a Men’s Health article I checked out on the subject, they mentioned a few points which are always good reminders of how to present yourself in a more appealing way.  I don’t care about sex tips, but personal development is always good:

  • When in groups, try moving around the room and interacting with as many people as possible. When you speak, vary the pace of your voice from upbeat to slow, and deliver all your words with emphasis. Be controversial, counter-intuitive, emotional and fluent.
  • Recent research found that confident people keep an open posture with their hands apart and away from their face.
  • Rock stars are unattainable. Create that exclusivity by having somewhere else to be and making your time with her feel limited.
  • Guys hunt for women in packs. Women don’t often find that appealing. It’s usually the guy who shows he’s willing to break away who makes the most progress.” Rock legend dictates as much. The successful womaniser breaks away from the entourage, making himself more ‘vulnerable’ by introducing himself to strangers. “You become a much safer proposition,”
  • These are men who stand out: the guy who asks questions during lectures, scores multiple strikes at the bowling alley or takes risks in the boardroom. Find the thing that marks you out – and push it.
  • In a social context, movement is very important. Using expansive arm gestures is a way of getting noticed. Pour cocktails at a party, hail taxis and throw your hands up at gigs.
  • Adopt characteristics that women find attractive: attentiveness, empathy and listening skills [Side note: this is something I’ve worked on a lot and feel very good at]
  • Don’t plan a date for after a heavy workout. Cambridge University found high testosterone reduces your capacity for empathy.
  • Try to look young and youthful- groom yourself (including downstairs)
  • Up your intake of vitamin C. It can prevent the ageing effects of long-term sun exposure, says the University of Maryland.

Although these pointers might just be based on small scale university studies, they make sense and worth keeping stuff like this in mind.

Become happy by assigning unhappy things a positive value

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self-understanding-involutionThis was posted on the INTJ forum by a guy who’d suffered long term depression and is now happy most of the time. It was a way of stripping things back and looking at things in a new way which made sense to me:

“Let’s delve into what is, and what is not. When we’re talking about what is positive, and what is negative, we’re referring to something’s value to us. We define positive as things we prefer, and negative as things we do not prefer. But to prefer is not an objective observation. An objective observer must remain neutral, and therefore an objective observer is incapable of preferring anything, and therefore also incapable of making value statements. Value is therefore subjective. So, what is value? Value refers to utility – usefulness. If something is useful to us, then it has value. Otherwise, it has no value. So, we’ve concluded that value is subjective, and refers to how useful something is to us. But what is usefulness? It is anything we can make use of. And whether we can make use of something, or not, is only limited by imagination. So, when something negative happens to you, it must therefore first be seen as something that is not useful to you (decision), therefore has no value or negative value (decision) and hence is baaaad. However, if you allow yourself to see the use of something, then it becomes useful to you – therefore it has value, and therefore it’s positive.

So when you’re fired, there is no objective value connected to the event (it cannot have one, because if it does, it is not objective), the subjective utility of the event is created through what we imagine we can use the event for. If you imagine it as something that retracts from your resources, then it will be assigned a negative value (low usefulness). If you imagine it as something that frees you from responsibility and allow you to find a new and better job, then it will be assigned a positive value (high usefulness). And here comes the crescendo – if usefulness is subjective, and you are the one assigning things their value, and it lies within your power to assign it usefulness, or unusefulness, and the former will make you happy and the latter will make you unhappy, the following question will then be asked;

If there’s no objective value, and you alone decide how valuable an event is to you, then what possible rational reason could you have to assign something a value that does not make you happy?”

Therefore to consciously reinterpret negative events by assigning a positive value= happiness.

The Original Poster went on to stipulate that turning an assigned value into an automatic positive thought takes practice and repetition. Very important in strengthen those neural pathways of habit!

Unhappiness and negative thinking isn’t all bad as it tells us there’s something not right which needs attention so that it can be changed or learned from, but when negativity is having too much control over one’s life, then assigning a new value seems like the way to go.

Thankfully I have matured and questioned certain things in life over the years which has made a positive benefit on my life. Rather than running on auto pilot without realizing it like many people, I decided it would be beneficial to instead learn what drives different people and trying to understand other’s interpretation of the world. Doing so makes me more accepting of alternative opinions, where as I used to just think people were ignorant idiots if they didn’t share my views- Sometimes, they still are! But at least that’s not a knee jerk reaction I have now. Even stuff like getting dumped by women doesn’t seem so bad- I used to think ‘I’m a nice guy, why me!?’ then hold a load of resentment towards these women for dumping me. Now I realize that it was never anything personal- I just wasn’t meeting their needs or sharing their values and if value is subjective to each individual, how can I take it personally? In other words, in a long-winded, round-about way, I’ve come to my own conclusion that one person’s trash is another’s treasure. This makes me feel less negative towards myself and others, which is great!

However, I am still guilty of having certain set standards and opinions about things which haven’t changed for years, if ever! Let’s use drawing as an example. What happens is, I don’t value: the process of drawing and being creative, the learning journey of tackling and overcoming tricky angles or shading or achievement in attempting to be productive and all I do value is achieving an expert end result. While this drives me to improve, it equally hinders me by creating negative feelings of failure if I don’t consistently produce an expert result with ease, therefore to avoid such feelings, I don’t practice and then don’t improve. And then I feel shit for being bad at drawing! In this example, at least I know what my brain is thinking. I just need to assign new value to the process and less value to achieving a consistent expert result.

Sleep and Waking Routines

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A few things I’d like to try over the next few weeks:
Before I go to sleep at night, make time for positive self talk or to identify the little good things:
The fact it is quiet and I dont live in a noisy neighbourhood, it’s warm and comfortable, I have a big bed all to myself, I get to watch a little bit of TV while in bed without worrying about disturbing anyone- being single has its advantages for sure 😀
I know it sounds kinda small and pointless, and I will no doubt have a hard time neglecting my negative thoughts, but I actually did this a few days ago and remember waking up the next day feeling just a little bit brighter, so worth doing!
When I wake up in the mornings listen to positive music or watch a few minutes of an upbeat film… or any film to stop me from lying in bed dwelling while I’m waking up and getting up.
I really need to get out of my current habit of resisting waking up because I feel bad about my life compared to when I’m in bed, sleepy and half-conscious.

I’d love to get to a stage where I get up in the morning and look forward to the day and all the things I’m going to be doing and experiencing. That is a big goal of mine.

This will involve setting aside an extra few minutes at the start and end of the day and I will need to cue up some decent material to listen to and add to my mobile phone alarm, but if it at least makes me feel a little bit happier or makes sleeping and waking times a little easier, then it’s more than worth it trialling.

And if all else fails, there’s always the option to knock one out to relieve a little stress!

Limiting Forum Time

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I love internet Forums- If its on a topic I’m interested in I could literally read other people’s comments and opinions for days on end and sometimes I do! While this is fun and educational, it can suck away massive amounts of time I could be using to be productive. Some simple tips I’ve decided to use from now on is:

  • Know you can only devote a set amount of time to a forum and be conscious of the clock. For example, Limit forum browsing to up to an hour every other day. Feel free to finish browsing posts or commenting before the hour has finished.
  • Focus only on topics which really interest you and try to ignore topics of partial interest.
  • Don’t waste time on long rant posts, especially if they’re bitching about their  lives. While the act of giving/listening and being empathetic is important, remember I’ve got my own problems I need to sort out first, rather than try to offer advice or support to others. Instead look for posts which will positively benefit my life.
  • Avoid topics and conversations with several pages of replies and instead stick to reading topics with up to 1 page of responses.

Well-being advice

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adviceSaw this on the NHS website and thought I’d paste it into a blog post as a reminder of the ways in which I should be living my life for optimal well-being. I’ve read these tips 100s of times in various books and websites, but never hurts to be reminded of them…

National research has identified five ways to wellbeing, which if built into our everyday lives, help to improve our wellbeing and reduce our risk of anxiety and depression. They are the mental health equivalent of eating five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.
Source: Foresight Mental Capital and Wellbeing Project, 2008

1. Connect
With the people around you. With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. At home, work, school or in your local community.
Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them. Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.

2. Be active
Go for a walk or run. Step outside. Cycle. Play a game. Garden. Dance.
Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy; one that suits your level of mobility and fitness.

3. Take notice
Be curious. Catch sight of the beautiful. Remark on the unusual. Notice the changing seasons. Savour the moment, whether you are on a train, eating lunch or talking to friends.
Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.

4. Keep learning
Try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Sign up for that course. Take on a different responsibility at work. Fix a bike. Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food.
Set a challenge you will enjoy achieving. Learning new things will make you more confident, as well as being fun to do.

5. Give
Do something nice for someone. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in.
Seeing yourself, and your happiness, linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and will create connections with the people around you.